


Promise Me

by Attenia



Category: TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Out of Character Legolas Greenleaf, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:59:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 39,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19250767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Attenia/pseuds/Attenia
Summary: When the darkness in Mirkwood ensnares Legolas’ mind, he turns the destruction inward. Thranduil’s pleas for help from Imladris go unheard, and the prince continues to deteriorate. The king turns to Mithrandir for aid, and the wizard concocts an innovative solution involving Legolas’ best friend. Though when he finds out the true extent of what has happened, Estel worries that he may not be up to the task. OOC Legolas. Trigger warnings for self-harm, eating disorder, suicide attempt, panic attacks.





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
Aragorn

Aragorn resisted the urge to run forward to meet the group, trying his best to appear composed in front of the king of Greenwood. Thranduil was hardly the one he was interested in, though. Aragorn craned his neck, peering between the horses.  
“Where is he?” he muttered impatiently.  
Elladan and Elrohir were also scanning the ranks of Thranduil’s entourage. They had all been sure that when it was announced Thranduil had come to Imladris, Legolas would be with him. It had been a year since Aragorn had seen his best friend, and to say he was missing the prince would be an understatement.  
“Thran, welcome.” Elrond spread his arms, smiling and stepping forward as Thranduil dismounted.  
Thranduil wasn’t smiling. In fact, he looked furious. He lunged for the elf lord, grabbing Elrond by the front of his robes. “What’s wrong with you, El!” he yelled.   
“Thran, what are you talking about?” Elrond made no move to escape, but looked at his friend with concern. “What’s wrong?”  
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong! Seventeen times, I’ve written to you, begging for your help, with not a single reply, and you have the nerve to ask me what’s wrong?”  
Elrond glanced at Elladan, who understood at once and hurried off. The elf lord turned back to the king. “I haven’t received any letters from you in over a year, Thran,” he said gently. “I’ve written to you several times myself, but there has been no response. If you didn’t reply soon, I was going to come to Greenwood myself.”  
At this, Thranduil’s rage faltered. “You – you didn’t receive them? But… how?”   
Elladan returned with Erestor on his heels. “Hir nin.” Erestor bowed briefly to Elrond and Thranduil. “What is the problem?” he asked. “Elladan didn’t say...”  
“Erestor, have there been any letters from Thranduil in the last year that I wasn’t given?”  
“Of course not, hir nin, I would never have failed to hand those over to you.”  
Thranduil rounded on one of his guards. “Bavli, explain this! You have been on the delivery team for several of my letters. You assured me that they were delivered.”  
Bavli had gone as pale as snow, and Elrohir quickly moved to his side to catch him in case he collapsed. “Hir nin… I can think of only one thing.” The guard was visibly trembling as he addressed Thranduil.  
“And that is?”  
“The times that I’ve been sent to deliver a letter, prince Legolas has ridden with us part of the way, to protect us, he said. We never guarded the letter pouches. If he wanted to, he could have replaced the letters with different ones of his own while no one was looking…”  
Aragorn had no idea why Legolas would do that, but it seemed Thranduil understood all too well, because he went the same pasty color as Bavli.  
“I’ve received letters from Legolas,” Aragorn spoke up. “And I remember that you delivered some of them, Bavli. Didn’t you know you were delivering letters to me?”  
“They were supposed to be for Lord Elrond.” Bavli put a hand over his face. “I simply gave them to Erestor as usual, I didn’t tell him who they were for, thinking it was addressed to Lord Elrond on the front of the letter. Instead, Legolas must have replaced the letters with ones addressed to Estel. Forgive me, my king, I should have been more careful.”  
Erestor nodded a these words, looking grave.   
Thranduil waved away the guard’s concern. “It is not your fault, you couldn’t have known. What did the letters say, Estel?”  
“The same thing, really – that Legolas is fine, but he’s too busy at Greenwood right now to come here or have me visit. I’ve had just about enough of it, to be honest. I was planning to go with Ada when he went to check on you, no matter how Legolas protested.”  
Elrond was looking at Thranduil with increasing concern. “Come, mellon nin, let’s go inside. You can tell me what has happened.”  
They hurried to Elrond’s study, Thranduil wringing his hands. Elrond handed him a glass of wine, which the king downed in one.   
“What happened, Thran?” Elrond asked gently.   
“It’s – it’s Legolas.”   
Aragorn stared in shock as Thranduil buried his head in his hands and started sobbing. Alarm swiftly mounted inside Aragorn and he had to force himself not to start shaking the king and demanding to know what was wrong with his friend.   
“Estel, Elladan, Elrohir, give us a few minutes.” Elrond had moved to put his arm around the weeping king. Aragorn didn’t want to leave, he wanted to know what was wrong with Legolas. Elrond raised The Eyebrow. “Now, please, Estel.”  
Aragorn reluctantly left. His feet were moving before his mind caught up.   
“Estel, where are you going?” Elladan didn’t try to stop him, but kept pace.   
“The stables,” he said distractedly. “Legolas is in trouble. I’m going to him.”  
“You should find out what’s wrong, first.” Elrohir walked on his other side, exchanging worried glances with his twin.   
“You know how Ada gets, he’ll probably be asking questions for hours. That’s a couple of hours longer than Legolas needs to wait for me. I’m going now. Will you stay and find out more? You can catch up to me.”  
“Of course. Let us help you pack some supplies.” Elladan squeezed his arm. “We’ll figure this out.”  
The twins didn’t catch up with him, but that was probably because Aragorn kept up a punishing pace, not slowing until he reached the Greenwood palace.   
He didn’t understand why all of the guards and servants looked so relieved to see him, but he didn’t stop to question it. He went straight to Legolas’ rooms and started pounding on the door. “Legolas! Legolas open up!”  
He paused to listen, and at a slight scuffling sound, lost all of his restraint and threw himself at the door. The wood splintered and Aragorn stumbled into the room, just in time to see a flash of blond hair disappearing out of the window.  
Why would Legolas run from him? It didn’t make any sense.   
There was no time to sit and think about it. He leapt out of the window and into the trees. “Wait, Legolas!” Aragorn yelled.   
The prince didn’t respond, but kept running through the branches, apparently intent on escape.   
“This isn’t funny, mellon nin! I’m really worried about you, please just stop and talk to me.”  
No response. Fortunately for Aragorn, Legolas had been teaching him to travel through the trees since he was a child, and he managed to keep up with the prince, though he could never quite close the distance enough to catch him.   
They continued for hours, Aragorn getting more concerned by the moment. He couldn’t fathom a single reason for Legolas to flee from him, much less with such determination. A small cry was all the warning he got before Legolas fell from the tree he was in.   
The prince managed to land on his feet, but immediately started running forward on the ground. It looked like he hit an invisible barrier in mid-air, stopping him in his tracks. It was all Aragorn needed to catch up.  
He leapt from his tree and tackled the elf to the ground, holding him tightly, unwilling to let him escape again.  
Legolas started writhing and struggling at once. “Mellon nin, stop it! It is me, Estel. Be still.”  
The prince wouldn’t listen, and only stopped moving when Aragorn sat on his torso and pinned his arms above his head.   
“Legolas?” Aragorn whispered. It was the first time getting a good look at his friend, and what he saw terrified him. Legolas’ eyes were dull and dead. His cheekbones stuck out prominently, and Aragorn could feel the prince’s ribs under him. He was skeletal.   
“What happened to you?”  
The elf turned his head away, refusing to meet his eyes.   
“Mellon nin, speak to me,” Aragorn begged. “Saes. What is wrong?”  
“Leave me alone, Estel.”  
“I will not leave you alone! Something is seriously wrong, and I’m going to help you, whether you want it or not.”  
Legolas tried to buck him off, but there was no strength in the movement. It wasn’t surprising. He was skin and bones, with little muscle left.  
“Saes,” Aragorn whispered.  
Legolas started to cry. He still wouldn’t look at his friend as Aragorn quickly got off him and gathered the distraught elf into his arms. Legolas struggled to get free from the embrace, but Aragorn wasn’t letting him go again, not until he knew what was wrong.  
“Hey, hey, it’s alright,” he soothed, gently rocking the prince. “I’m here now, everything is going to be ok.”  
At this, Legolas just cried harder and went limp in his friend’s grip. His arms hesitantly circled Aragorn’s waist, and he clung so tightly that Aragorn was sure one of his ribs would crack, but he didn’t care.   
“Shh, mellon nin, it’s ok,” he murmured. “You’re alright, I’m here, everything if fine.” Aragorn started running his hands through the prince’s hair, which was filthy and tangled. Legolas gasped and choked on his sobs, trembling like a leaf in Aragorn’s arms.   
The gasps became more pained, and Legolas once more started to struggle. His hands moved to clutch at his throat, and Aragorn quickly moved to drape the prince across his lap, giving him space to breathe.  
Legolas’ panicked eyes came up to his. “Can’t – breathe –” he gasped. “Estel – help –”  
Aragorn recognized the symptoms of a panic attack and started rummaging in the satchel of healing supplies at his belt, silently thanking Elrond for insisting he never went anywhere without it. Aragorn found the vial of lavender oil and quickly moved Legolas so that the prince’s back was up against his chest.  
“Just slow down, mellon nin,” he murmured, rubbing the oil into his friend’s temples. “Your body is taking in air too fast. You need to slow down.”  
Legolas was flailing again, and Aragorn grabbed both of the prince’s hands in one of his, using the other to continue to massage in the lavender oil. “Just relax, gwador. I promise, I have you. You’re ok, you just need to slow down. Come, now, listen to my breathing and match yours to it.”  
He breathed slowly and deeply, and he could tell Legolas was trying to match it, but the prince was too far gone in his distress, and he was unable to get control of his breathing. Less than a minute later, he passed out.  
Aragorn quickly spread his friend out on the ground, rolling up his cloak and pushing it under Legolas’ head. He sat down next to the elf to wait. It didn’t take long. After a few minutes, Legolas’ eyes snapped open.   
“Hey.” Aragorn gave him a gentle smile. “How are you feeling?”  
Panic once more crossed the prince’s features, and Legolas rolled away, leaping up and setting off at a run before Aragorn could stop him. Growling in frustration, Aragorn made to follow, but he didn’t get far. Both he and Legolas were repelled once more by an invisible barrier.   
Legolas didn’t stop to hear Aragorn’s shouts and pleas, but ran frantically through the trees, searching for a way out. It seemed they were trapped in a roughly circular area by magical barriers of some kind. Aragorn had no idea how to get through them, but that wasn’t his chief worry at the moment. Legolas was panicking again, throwing himself uselessly at the barrier.  
What had happened to his friend? Aragorn had never seen Legolas act like this, not even close. He was eventually able to catch the prince when Legolas stumbled and fell, seemingly too weak to get up again, having exhausted himself.   
“We’ll figure this out,” Aragorn assured him, sitting down next to the elf. “We’re safe for now, at least – that barrier should keep spiders and other dangers out. Let’s just take a breath, calm down a bit, then we can work out how to get back to the palace.”  
Legolas’ eyes were wild, and he was hyperventilating again.   
“Let me help you,” Aragorn urged. Perhaps it was simply because he was too weak to move, but Legolas didn’t try to escape as Aragorn once more positioned the prince’s back against his chest. “Slow,” he coached. “Breathe slow, like me.”  
He rubbed some more lavender oil into his friend’s temples, and eventually, Legolas managed to slow down enough to get into a semi-regular breathing rhythm. His body went limp with relief when the panic subsided.   
They sat there in silence for a while, before Aragorn spoke quietly. “What is wrong, mellon nin?”  
“Nothing. I’m fine.”  
“You can’t seriously expect me to believe that.”  
Legolas didn’t answer, and it didn’t appear he was going to.  
Aragorn sighed. “Ok. We should get you back to the palace. Can you walk?”  
“Yes.”  
It was soon apparent that Legolas couldn’t walk, despite his best efforts. Aragorn leaned him up against a tree and told the prince to stay while he examined the barrier. Over an hour later, Aragorn had found no way around, through, over or under it – and yes, he had even tried digging beneath it, to no avail.   
He explored the area they were stuck in and was surprised to find a small wooden cabin, fully stocked with food and medical supplies, enough to last for months. He didn’t know whose home it was, but they weren’t there now. There was a river running through this area, too, so at least they would have water.  
“Well, it looks like we’re going to be stuck here for now.” He sat down next to Legolas. “Don’t worry, we’ll have food, water and shelter. It’s almost too perfect, I wonder…” He dismissed his suspicious thoughts. “There’s a cabin just through the trees there, in a small clearing, and a river. We can stay there for now.”  
“But we have to get out!”  
“I know,” Aragorn said patiently. It was unlike Legolas to be so panicked over something like this, but he could hardly expect anything to be normal after what he’d seen today. “We aren’t able to get out ourselves, though. They’ll notice soon that you’re missing from the palace and send out search parties. Once they find us, we’ll have to work with people on the outside to find a way to free us.”  
“No, Estel, I can’t stay here!”  
Aragorn glanced around at the forest. “Why not? What’s wrong with here?”  
“I need to be alone.”  
“That’s the exact opposite of what you need right now, and I wouldn’t allow it even if we weren’t trapped by a magical barrier. No, don’t panic, remember to breathe slowly. It is only me, mellon nin, you have nothing to worry about. Come on, let’s get to that cabin.”  
He ignored Legolas’ protests and carried the prince to the cabin, tucking him into bed. It had only one bedroom, but the bed was easily large enough for two, and Aragorn slipped into it next to his friend. Legolas turned away at once, and Aragorn moved close again, so that the prince’s back was once more pressed against his chest.   
There was nowhere to run, now, and in any case, Legolas was too weak to get away. Now, he would find out what the problem was. Legolas was trembling again, and Aragorn hugged him closer. “Mellon nin, you have to speak to me. What is wrong?”


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2  
Aragorn

“I don’t want to talk about it, Estel.”  
“I know you don’t, mellon nin, but how am I supposed to help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong?”  
Legolas didn’t respond, but his body tensed up, and Aragorn started stroking his arm, hoping to calm the prince. When it became apparent that Legolas wasn’t going to speak, Aragorn decided he’d have to move on to other methods.   
“Well, if you won’t talk to me, I should examine you, and then you need to have something to eat. Can you at least tell me why you’re so thin? I know your father would always see to it you have plenty of food, so it can’t be that. What do the healers say? I assume there must be some underlying illness causing you to lose weight.”  
Still, Legolas was silent. He’d never been a good patient, but this was even more uncooperative than usual. “Alright, I guess I’m figuring it out for myself, then.” Aragorn gently rolled Legolas onto his back, but when he tried to take off the prince’s tunic, Legolas slapped his hands away, curling himself into a protective ball.  
“You have to let me examine you,” Aragorn said firmly. “I know you don’t like people seeing your injuries, gwador, but you’re very ill, and I won’t let you get any sicker.” There would be no negotiation on this point, and perhaps Legolas sensed that in his voice, because his face took on an expression of defeat.  
Aragorn was alarmed when the prince started crying again. Deciding that the examination could wait, he got back into bed and pulled his friend close. Legolas turned away, doing his best to reject his friend’s presence. It didn’t matter how much he begged, Legolas wouldn’t talk to him, just kept sobbing and sobbing as though his heart was being torn in two.   
No matter how Aragorn rocked, hushed and comforted him, Legolas was inconsolable. The man was left feeling helpless and useless as he fruitlessly murmured words of attempted comfort in his friend’s ear. He couldn’t begin to imagine what had Legolas this distraught, and it terrified him.   
The sun was starting to set when Legolas seemed to give up his resistance. His tense muscles went slack and he turned to face Aragorn, burying his face in the man’s chest, sobbing desperately into his tunic.   
Aragorn hugged him close, not knowing what else to do.  
“P-Promise – m-me.”  
“Promise you what, gwador?”  
“Promise – y-you won’t – won’t s-stop – l-loving m-me.”  
“Legolas you are my best friend, the brother of my heart. There is no force in the world that could make me stop loving you. I swear, that will never change.” Why in middle earth would Legolas be worried about that? What could possibly make him doubt how much Aragorn cared for him?  
Legolas tried to say something else, but he was crying too hard for Aragorn to make it out.  
“I cannot understand you, mellon nin,” he said gently. “Try again, more slowly.”  
Legolas tried a few more times before giving up on speech, shaking violently with his sobs. At least now, he seemed to be accepting comfort. As day slowly turned to night, Legolas eventually calmed, and he fell into an exhausted sleep. By now, Aragorn was both hungry and thirsty, and once he was sure that Legolas was deeply asleep, he ventured out of bed to find sustenance.  
The kitchen was fully stocked, and he grabbed some lembas bread, not willing to take the time to prepare anything more complicated. He debated whether to wake his friend. Legolas really needed to eat, but he also clearly needed sleep. Aragorn decided that food could wait until the prince woke.   
Exhausted by the day’s events, he crawled back into bed with Legolas, and was asleep within minutes.  
He was woken by Legolas trying to get out of bed, which was just as well, because the prince had barely tried to stand when he collapsed heavily. Aragorn was just in time to catch him, lifting him back onto the bed.  
“Don’t try to walk yet, mellon nin. I need to examine you, and then we can get you something to eat.”  
“Don’t want to be examined,” Legolas mumbled.  
“We’ve been through this, Legolas. I have to find out what’s wrong with you. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”  
Tears were once more starting, and Legolas looked up at him with pleading eyes. “You promised.”  
“What?”  
“You promised you wouldn’t stop loving me.”  
“And that promise still holds,” Aragorn assured him. “Just relax, mellon nin, this will be over soon.”  
Legolas tensed when Aragorn removed the prince’s tunic, but didn’t otherwise protest. As the fabric fell aside, Aragorn couldn’t keep in a gasp. Legolas’ body was covered in cuts, deep red slashes that looked to have come from a knife. His inner forearms were particularly bad, but there were a fair number on his stomach and sides too.  
“Gwador? What happened to you?” He didn’t really need an answer, which was a good thing, since Legolas didn’t give one. Aragorn was an experienced healer, an he recognized all too well that the wounds were self-inflicted. He winced as he glanced again at the elf’s torso. His stomach was sunken and his ribs stood out sharply.  
The examination of Legolas’ lower half showed the same thing – too many cuts, too little fat.   
Aragorn helped the prince get dressed. He couldn’t find anything wrong physically other than the cuts and the weight loss, which he already had his suspicions about, given Legolas’ other symptoms.   
“Legolas. Legolas, look at me.” Silent tears were still falling down the prince’s face, but he wouldn’t look at his friend. Aragorn took his chin, forcing the elf to meet his gaze. “Mellon nin, have you been eating?” he asked gently.   
Legolas turned his eyes away. Aragorn waited. Closing his eyes, the prince shook his head.   
“Ok. Ok, I understand, mellon nin.” He understood what was wrong, he just didn’t understand why. “I am going to help you. Can you tell me yet what’s wrong?”  
Again, Legolas shook his head.  
“Then at least tell me when you last ate.”  
The prince appeared to think about it. “Last week, I think. There was a pear… I ate half of it.”  
Aragorn knew that elves didn’t need as much sustenance as humans, but even they needed more than that. No wonder Legolas was so weak. He must have been running on pure adrenaline yesterday.   
“Stay here, I’ll be right back.”  
Aragorn came back with a piece of lembas, and broke off a quarter of it. He held it out to Legolas. “I need you to eat this.”  
Predictably, the prince shook his head.  
“Why not, mellon nin? Can you tell me?”  
Another shake of his head.  
“If you can’t talk about it yet, that’s fine, but Legolas, you have to eat. You’re starving yourself to death. You will not survive much longer like this.”  
Legolas didn’t appear at all bothered by the words – in fact, a strange light came into his eyes at those words, one Aragorn didn’t like one bit.   
“You have to eat,” Aragorn pushed. He knew he couldn’t budge on this, not if he wanted his friend to live.  
“I don’t want to eat, Estel. I’m not hungry.”  
“That’s because your stomach has become used to going without food, but trust me, your body needs it. I’m sorry, mellon nin, but you could die. I’m going to have to insist you eat. Please, don’t make me force you.”  
“Please, Estel.” The pained whisper tore at his heart, but Aragorn steeled himself.  
“No, gwador. You must eat, and you must eat now.” He was already thinking ahead. Lembas was the best option right now, as it offered the most nutrition for the least amount of eating. He’d boil water and crush the lembas into a paste, then force it down Legolas’ throat. He wouldn’t let his friend starve.  
Perhaps Legolas could read some of these thoughts off his face, because he relented. “Give it to me,” he said softly.  
Aragorn eagerly handed over the lembas, and Legolas hesitated for a moment before putting it in his mouth. He chewed for ages, far longer than was needed. Panic started to come into the prince’s eyes. Aragorn realized what he was about to do, and clamped Legolas’ mouth shut before he could spit out the food.  
“Swallow, mellon nin.”  
Legolas did his best to shake his head, but Aragorn wouldn’t relent. He tilted the prince’s head, forcing the food to the back of his mouth. The elf’s body took control and reflexively swallowed. Aragorn sighed in relief, letting Legolas go.  
It was a mistake. Legolas bolted to the adjoining bathroom, and Aragorn got there in time to see him stick his finger deep down his throat.   
“No, mellon nin!”  
He wasn’t in time to stop it, and the lembas came back up again as Legolas retched into the toilet.   
Aragorn felt like bursting into tears. He felt like sitting down on the floor and giving up. Instead, he took a deep, calming breath, and led a shaking Legolas back to the bed.   
“I’m sorry, gwador, but now you’re going to have to eat some more.”  
“No, Estel, please…”  
He was relentless, and by the time Legolas had gotten down another quarter of lembas, Aragorn was hating himself for having to force his friend like this, no matter how necessary it may be. This time, he stayed in bed with the prince, keeping a firm grip on him.   
Aragorn went through calculations while Legolas cried quietly, turned away from him. It took about five hours for a human’s stomach to empty of food after eating, which meant it would take just under two for an elf’s.   
“Well, we’re going to be here for another two hours,” he told Legolas. “Until that food is safely being digested and you can’t vomit it up. We’ve got nothing to do and nowhere to go. Won’t you tell me what’s wrong, mellon nin?”  
He took Legolas’ silence as a refusal.   
“Then at least tell me why you ever feared I would stop loving you.” Silence. “Saes, Legolas. You have to give me something here.”  
Legolas still wouldn’t speak. Aragorn silently cursed the boundary keeping them here. He didn’t know enough to treat Legolas, not for something this severe. He’d read accounts of how to help people with these kinds of problems, but he’d never seen it first-hand. He needed Elrond, but Ada was utterly unreachable at present.  
“You have to let me go.”  
“Go where?”  
“To the bathroom.”  
“To relieve yourself, or to throw up?”  
“I… I can’t have the food inside me, Estel.”  
“Why not?”  
Legolas shook his head again. He started struggling to get his arms free from Aragorn’s grip, no doubt to put his fingers back down his throat, but Aragorn was too strong for the weakened prince.   
“Please, Estel!”  
“No. Your body badly needs nourishment. I’m not letting you throw it up and putting you through another forced feeding.”  
The tears that had never really stopped picked up, along with Legolas’ breathing. Aragorn recognized another panic attack coming on and quickly flipped Legolas onto his back, grabbing the lavender oil.  
“Breathe, gwador, just breathe. Slow, remember?”  
“Can’t – Estel – the air – there’s no – air – here –”  
“The window is open, mellon nin, there’s even a breeze. There is plenty of air, I promise, it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. You’re only trying to breathe too fast, just like yesterday, remember? Slow it down. Follow my breathing.”  
At least in this, Legolas seemed to be accepting help. He struggled to match his breathing to Aragorn’s. After several minutes, he calmed down somewhat, and turned away. “I’m sorry, Estel.”  
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Aragorn assured him.   
He glanced at the sun. “That food should have digested by now. How about a bath?” Legolas was filthy, which was extremely unlike him, but Aragorn supposed he couldn’t really be surprised. The prince didn’t respond, so Aragorn patted his shoulder and got up to start heating water.   
When the bath was ready, he helped Legolas undress. The prince was still extremely weak and needed help getting into the water. Worried that his friend would pass out and drown, Aragorn got in with him, helping him wash.   
Once they were both clean, he washed Legolas’ hair, and spent over an hour toweling it dry and braiding it just how he knew his friend liked it. They hadn’t spoken since Legolas’ apology, but both of them were comfortable with silence. Aragorn just wished his friend would tell him what was wrong.  
He could do his best to treat the symptoms, but until he knew the cause, what he could do was limited.   
“You’re probably dehydrated. Do you want tea or water?”  
“Tea. Hot tea. I’m always cold nowadays,” Legolas admitted quietly.  
Aragorn was thrilled to have even that small piece of information. He could have figured as much out for himself, but Legolas telling him was a step in the right direction. “That’s from the weight loss. I’ll take a look through the wardrobe, see if I can find you some warmer clothes.”  
Legolas at least drank the tea easily, and Aragorn found the wardrobe stocked with both summer and winter clothes that were mysteriously exactly his and Legolas’ sizes. His suspicions about the situation grew. This was starting to look more and more like some kind of setup, though he still couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to trap them here.  
“Good news, I found some nice warm clothes for – mellon nin, what are you doing?”  
Aragorn leapt forward and wrenched the knife out of his friend’s hand, but not before Legolas had made six deep slashes on his arm. He didn’t fight when Aragorn took the knife, but slumped back in his chair, a slight smile on his face. It was the first time Aragorn had seen his friend smile since he’d arrived in Greenwood, and he didn’t like the timing of it.  
“Stay here, I need to get my medical kit. These will need stitches.”  
Legolas was right where Aragorn left him when he hurried back, and didn’t even seem to feel the stitches. His gaze was faraway, and he didn’t respond to any of the man’s questions. Aragorn cleaned him up, got him dressed in warm clothes, and put him back to bed. Some of the older cuts looked like they definitely should have been stitched, but had been left to heal on their own, leaving bumpy scars on the elf’s pale skin.  
“Stay here, I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.” He didn’t think Legolas could have moved if he’d tried. The prince was already weak, and the blood loss on top of that seemed to have drained him of all energy.   
Aragorn scoured the cabin, gathering any sharp item he could find. He went outside and buried them under an oak tree, moving the leaves around to cover the disturbed ground before returning to Legolas. The prince hadn’t moved. In fact, he’d fallen asleep. He was sleeping with his eyes closed, something Aragorn had expected, but it still worried him.   
He sat down in a chair next to the bed, staring helplessly at the elf. What was he going to do? He feared that if Legolas didn’t let him in, Aragorn would be unable to help his friend. The thought had Aragorn’s own eyes prickling. “I can’t lose you,” he whispered brokenly to Legolas’ sleeping form.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
Legolas

When Legolas woke, it took him a minute to remember where he was and what had happened. As he did, terror rapidly pooled in his stomach. Estel couldn’t be here. He knew Legolas too well, saw too much.   
Estel would see how truly pathetic and unworthy Legolas was, and then, his friend would stop loving him, promise or not. How could Legolas really blame him? He didn’t deserve anyone’s love.   
He only realized a small cry had left his mouth when Estel was suddenly there, his hand on the prince’s cheek. “Mellon nin?”  
Legolas pulled away from him, curling into a tight ball, hoping he could somehow protect himself from the man’s scrutiny.   
Estel sighed. “You’ve been asleep for a few hours. It’s about time for lunch. Would you like some more lembas, or should I make you a broth? That might be easier to get down, but you will have to eat more of it.”  
At those words, Legolas gave up ignoring him and turned to stare at his friend in horror. “I ate this morning.”  
“Yes, that was breakfast,” Estel explained patiently. “It’s time for lunch.”  
Legolas shook his head frantically, unable to speak.   
“Look, I’ll cut you a deal. Lunch will be half a piece of lembas, but if you tell me what’s wrong, I’ll let you off with only a quarter.”  
It was a tempting offer, but Legolas couldn’t accept it. Estel could never find out. The thought of losing his friend’s esteem almost broke him. Concern flickered across the man’s features and he pulled Legolas into a hug.   
“It’s alright, mellon nin. I am here for you.”  
Yes, he was here now, but when he realized that Legolas didn’t deserve his friendship, Estel would be gone. Legolas was mortified to realize he was crying again. It was Estel’s fault. He’d never cried once before Estel got here, and now it seemed that was all he could do.  
“P-promise me,” Legolas gasped. Though he knew the promise would be broken eventually, he needed to hear it again.  
“I promise, gwador, I will never stop loving you. Please, you have to believe me.”  
It was no use. As hard as he tried, Legolas couldn’t pull himself together. He’d managed to maintain a charade of strength for so long, but being held in Estel’s arms, he felt his walls breaking.   
He knew it was selfish and petty, but he wanted to hold onto Estel’s friendship as long as he could. Soon enough, Estel would see him – truly see him – and turn away in disgust.  
“Breathe, breathe,” Estel coached.  
Legolas tried, he really did. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He’d certainly been going downhill for months now, but he hadn’t had panic attacks until yesterday. He supposed it was because no one had gotten this close to seeing inside of him since he’d started to realize just how worthless he was.  
He’d refused to see the healers, and avoided his father as much as possible, putting up a blank mask when he had to be in the king’s presence. Estel wasn’t going to let him get away with that, though, which was exactly why he’d gone to so much effort to ensure that no one in Imladris found out what was going on with him.   
As much as accepting Estel’s help terrified him, because it meant letting the man in, not being able to breathe terrified him more. Legolas followed his friend’s slow, steady breaths, trying to focus only on that and not the enormous mess he’d gotten himself into.   
He should have run faster yesterday. Legolas knew that he could lose Estel in the forest, or at least, in the past he had been able to shake his friend in a chase through Greenwood. Not now, apparently.   
“Tell me what you are thinking.”  
What he was thinking wasn’t something he could tell Estel, so Legolas voiced the safest thing he could. “I don’t want to eat.”  
“I know, mellon nin, but you have to,” Estel sighed. “Look at you! I’m surprised you even managed to stand up yesterday. You can’t survive like this much longer.”  
Legolas quickly turned his head away, hoping Estel wouldn’t read the longing in his eyes. He’d been thinking about death more and more recently. To be able to close his eyes and never open them again… what bliss that would be. If he could cease to exist, he wouldn’t need to live with the knowledge of just how unworthy he was, and the terror of watching everyone he loved leave him when they realized the same thing.  
“I’m going to make you a broth, but I’ll put some lembas in there too, so you won’t have to eat as much. Will you be ok here?”  
“Yes,” Legolas said automatically. He needed Estel gone. He forced himself to meet his friend’s eyes. Estel looked hesitant, but he finally nodded.   
Legolas waited a few minutes to be sure the man wouldn’t come back before hurrying to the window. He knew that Estel would have removed all sharp items from the house by now, which meant he wouldn’t have a lot of time. His friend would be drawn by the noise.  
Legolas smashed his elbow into the window. The glass shattered, and he snatched one of the broken pieces. It started cutting his hand at once, but he ignored that, slashing violently at his arm. The pain was a relief. He deserved no less than this. After Estel’s cossetting, he needed the punishment more than ever. It was the only thing that could make him smile anymore. He wasn’t entirely sure why he liked it, but he did.  
Predictably, Estel hurtled into the room. Legolas didn’t fight, knowing that his friend was many times stronger than him, as weak as the prince had allowed his body to become. Estel got the glass out of his hand and dragged Legolas through to the kitchen.   
“Mellon nin, why do you do this to yourself?” His voice was so pleading and so sad that it was on the tip of Legolas’ tongue to answer, but he clamped his mouth shut. He may think life was bad now, but trying to live without Estel as a friend? He couldn’t even imagine. He would keep his secrets, and keep Estel’s friendship, at least for a little longer.  
Legolas sat placidly while Estel stitched him up. Cutting always made him feel better, and the pain of the stitches was no less than he deserved for putting his friend through such stress. If only he could escape, but the barrier around them prevented it.   
“Can I trust you to stay here for a few minutes?”  
Legolas opened his mouth to say yes, but he found he couldn’t lie to his friend, not again. He shook his head. Estel pulled him into a gentle hug that almost made Legolas break. He couldn’t deal with being handled this tenderly, and he reluctantly pulled out of the embrace.   
“Ok, but you should know that the next time you’re asleep, I’m taking the glass out of all of the windows in this cabin. We don’t need it in summer anyway.”  
Legolas hung his head in defeat. Estel was going to break him. If this kept going, he’d completely fall apart, and in their current situation, he wouldn’t survive it. If Estel went off to Imladris and never wanted to see him again, that would be one thing, but if Estel realized who Legolas truly was here, when they were trapped? He couldn’t handle his friend looking at him like Legolas knew he deserved: with disappointment and disdain.   
“Hey, what’s wrong?”  
He shook his head again, the only response he could give. Legolas tried to flee to the bedroom, but Estel caught his wrist. “Not until I’ve gotten the glass out of that room. And you still need to have lunch.”  
The broth seemed to be done, because Estel came over with a steaming bowl. “Please just eat it, gwador. Don’t make me force you.”  
Legolas had no desire to be forced again, and he knew that Estel would do it. With a trembling hand, he picked up the spoon. By the third spoonful, his hand was shaking so badly that Estel had to feed him. The prince cringed, sure that this would be the moment when Estel realized that he wasn’t worth helping.   
Apparently, this wasn’t the moment, because the man kept calmly feeding him. Legolas already felt unbearably full, and turned his head to the side. “Please, Estel, I’ll be sick. This is too much.”  
“Just a few more spoons,” his friend coaxed. “I know it feels like too much, because your stomach isn’t used to it, but you’re going to have to become accustomed to eating bigger meals.”  
If it would make Estel leave him alone, Legolas was willing to try it. He managed three more spoonfuls before groaning and resting his head on the table, sure he was going to throw up without the help of his fingers in his throat.   
“Let’s get you lying down. Come on.”  
Estel led him carefully to the bedroom, maintaining a good grip on him until Legolas was in bed. Then, keeping a wary eye on his friend, the man gathered up all the glass and tossed it out of the window. Legolas knew that before long, he wouldn’t find any trace of glass in the cabin, and he’d have to figure out another way.   
It shouldn’t be that difficult. They were in the forest, after all. There were sharp rocks and pieces of wood everywhere.  
“Do you want some herbs for the pain?”  
“No.”  
Estel frowned at him. “You’re hurting, mellon nin, I can see it on your face.”  
Estel had always been able to read him too well. Legolas knew he didn’t deserve his friend’s help or herbs, though, so he kept silent.   
“Why won’t you leave me alone?”  
“Because I love you, gwador, and you need help.”  
These words made Legolas flinch, because he knew they would haunt him when Estel revoked that love and help.   
“Tell me what is wrong,” Estel urged. Legolas was so tired. He was so tired of resisting Estel, so tired of dreading his friend leaving him. This day wasn’t even half way over yet, and he was already exhausted. Estel wasn’t going to leave him alone. Would it not be easier to get it over and done with?  
Pain lanced through him, and Legolas flung his arms around his friend, silently begging the man to help him. Estel pulled him into a bruising hug, his grip calming the worst of the prince’s tremors. Legolas tried to speak, but it came out garbled and unintelligible. He instead focused on keeping his breathing as steady as he could.   
“I love you, gwador, I will never stop loving you,” Estel murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of the prince’s head.   
Legolas soaked up the words, desperately wanting to believe them. “Y-You – w-will,” he gasped hopelessly.  
“I will not,” Aragorn said firmly. “What in the world makes you think I will?”  
“I’m – n-not – worth – it!” Legolas wailed between sobs. “I – I –” He couldn’t get anything else out, and only realize he was hyperventilating again when Estel started rubbing the soothing lavender oil onto his temples. He frantically tried to listen to Estel’s instructions. It was terrifying, not being able to breathe.   
“You are worth it,” Estel murmured. This just made Legolas cry harder, because he knew it would hurt all the more when Estel took those words back.   
“Please –” He wasn’t even sure what he was begging for. Legolas was tearing apart from within, and he desperately needed Estel to save him.   
Legolas felt like he was being pulled away by a raging river, and Estel was the only rock he could cling to. He was terrified that the rock would disappear at any moment. He could do nothing but hold on as tightly as he could, praying it wouldn’t.  
“It’s ok, mellon nin, just try to relax. You’re safe here, I’m with you. Everything is fine.”  
A wild gasp for air had him inhaling saliva, and Legolas started choking. Estel remained composed, thumping him on the back, and finally managed to clear his airway.   
Eventually, Estel got him calmed down, though Legolas couldn’t stop the stupid tears that seemed to be a permanent feature on his face. At least the wracking sobs had ceased, and the tears that came now were silent.   
“Tell me what is wrong.” Estel’s eyes were wide and pleading, and Legolas was at the end of his resistance. A small part of him stupidly hoped that Estel would keep his promise, that he would help him and not stop loving him.   
“Promise me,” he whispered again, needing to hear it, even if he didn’t believe it.  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you.”  
Legolas bit his lip. “I… I don’t know where to start.” He found he couldn’t look at his friend, and pressed his face into Estel’s chest.  
“Is it ok if I ask you questions, then?”  
Slowly, Legolas nodded.   
Estel’s first question was to be expected. “Why are you afraid I’ll stop loving you?”  
Legolas felt himself tensing, wishing his friend could have started with something else. Estel started rubbing the prince’s back, his experienced healer’s hands working out the tightness. It felt good, and Legolas sighed slightly, relaxing at the touch. He hadn’t realized how tense and stressed he’d been.   
“Mellon nin?”  
He suddenly remembered Estel’s question, and the tension was back. Estel patiently kept working on the muscles. Legolas knew he had to answer. Estel would never leave it alone.   
“I am not worthy of love.”  
“Why do you think that, gwador? When we last parted, you had no such thoughts. What has happened between now and then to change your mind?”  
It was a difficult question, because Legolas didn’t truly know the answer, but he had to try. After everything Estel had done for him, he owed his friend the truth.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
Aragorn

“You know about my home.” Legolas shuddered slightly. “About the darkness we face. Everyone else handles it, and keeps going. Me, I have to be sent to Imladris every few months to recover. I’m a disgrace as prince. I can’t even keep my own people safe. I can’t drive out the darkness, and I don’t deserve love or help!”  
Legolas was shaking with sobs again, and Aragorn pulled his friend close. “Why didn’t your father send you to Imladris this time?”  
“He tried, but so many have died to the spiders. We can’t afford to lose another able fighter. I refused. I should never have been allowed the indulgence of such holidays in the first place.”  
Aragorn understood what had happened now. Elves had souls filled with goodness and light. Fighting such darkness took a toll on all of them. All of the Greenwood fighters took breaks when it started getting to them. Legolas couldn’t take breaks at home, because if he was there, he would get involved, despite his father’s protests, so he was typically sent to Imladris.   
Even Thranduil himself came there to recuperate on occasion, leaving trusted regents in charge in his absence, since Legolas usually travelled with him for those visits.  
Legolas had a particularly pure soul, and struggled with the darkness more than most. When it had started overwhelming his mind, and he didn’t take the break he needed, it consumed him, leaving him feeling he was unworthy of love for being unable to defeat it.  
Of course, it was one thing for Aragorn to know this. Now, he had to make Legolas believe it, which would be far from an easy task.   
The prince was so still that Aragorn had to take a moment to check that he was breathing.   
“Legolas?”  
Legolas didn’t answer, and Aragorn put a finger under his chin, forcing his friend to show his face. What he saw there shocked him. Terror. He’d never seen his friend this afraid, not in all their years of friendship. “What is it?” he whispered.  
The prince opened his mouth, but no words came out.   
“What? Speak to me, mellon nin, saes.”  
“P-p-pro-prom…” He couldn’t anything else out, but Aragorn understood.  
“I promise you, I will never stop loving you.” He’d repeat it as many times as Legolas needed to hear it, until the prince finally believed him. “I still love you, even after you’ve told me what’s bothering you, I will never stop. Do you believe me now?”  
When his efforts to speak failed, Legolas simply shook his head.  
Aragorn bit back a groan of exasperation. “Why not, mellon nin? No, actually, that can wait. You’re injuring yourself, you have to relax.” The elf was holding himself so tense that his muscles were shaking from it – what muscles his starved body had left, at any rate. “Come, gwador, let me help you.”  
He tried to disentangle himself from his friend, but Legolas’ grip was so tight and brittle that Aragorn feared breaking it would break some of the prince’s fingers. He started rubbing Legolas’ back, hoping it would help.   
“I love you,” he said quietly as he worked. “I will always love you, gwador, no matter what you tell me, no matter what you do.”  
“You won’t. Not once you see me as I truly am.”  
“I do see you as you truly are. It is your sight that is flawed, mellon nin. You know that the darkness here gets to everyone. You haven’t taken a break in a long time, and it’s gotten really bad for you. I’m going to help you, and things will get better, you’ll see.”  
Legolas didn’t speak, but he was still shaking and Aragorn feared that one of his fingers would snap with their tight grip on his tunic. The prince had so little fat left…  
“You don’t believe me.” It wasn’t a question. He could easily read it in his friend’s behavior.  
“No,” Legolas admitted softly.   
“Then at least grant me the chance to try. Let me try to help you, please, gwador. You owe me a chance, at least.”  
“I’m not worth it.”  
“That’s for me to decide. Saes, Legolas, I’m begging you. Let me try.”  
The prince hesitated. “Why would that entail?”  
“Just following simple instructions, like eat, tell me what you’re thinking, don’t hurt yourself…”  
“That doesn’t sound so simple to me.”  
“I know, gwador, I know. Will you try, though?”  
“I – I’ll try, Estel. But…”  
“But what?” Aragorn asked gently.   
“You have to do something for me, then.”  
“Anything you need.”  
“Tell me when you stop loving me. Don’t pretend.”  
“Oh mellon nin, I wish you’d believe me. I will never stop loving you. But yes, if that’s what you need I swear I will tell you if I ever do. Ok?”  
“Ok.”   
“Then your first task in our endeavor is to let go of me. I need to get up so I can work your muscles properly before you can injure yourself any more than you already have.”  
“I deserve any injuries I get. So many have died because I wasn’t good enough to save them. I am more than deserving of the pain.”  
Aragorn closed his eyes for a moment, fighting the pain in his heart. That his best friend could think such a thing of himself was agonizing to hear. “I know you think that, mellon nin, but you’re letting me help you, remember? And I say you let me take care of you.”  
Legolas nodded, and perhaps he really was trying, but when Aragorn tried to pull free, he still found himself trapped in an iron grip. “What’s wrong? Talk to me.”  
“I’m afraid,” Legolas admitted in a whisper. “I can’t let go. If I do, you’ll leave me, and I’ll never see you again.”  
“I will not,” Aragorn said firmly. “If nothing else, we can’t get out of here with the magical barrier around us, but that doesn’t matter. I love you, and I want to be around you.”  
“C-can’t. I’m sorry, Estel. I’m useless, I can’t do anything.”  
“You are not useless. You’re doing really well, I promise. You’re talking to me now, which is huge progress from when I arrived. Just lie still and let me help.”  
Aragorn moved his hands and started rubbing Legolas’ fingers, slowly working them loose. He lost himself in the task of first unclenching the prince’s hands, then getting his arms unwound from Aragorn’s waist. Finally, he was loose, and Legolas curled himself into a tight ball.  
“No, don’t do that, you need to lie flat so that I can have space to work on you.”  
It seemed that Legolas was too scared to move. He wasn’t hyperventilating, but this kind of silent terror was just as awful to see.   
“I still love you,” Aragorn reminded him. “You have nothing to worry about. Let me give you something to help, mellon nin. There are herbs that can relax you without putting you to sleep.”  
“No.”  
He sighed, and started working on getting Legolas’ arms loose from their current position of being wrapped around his knees. The prince would never say when he was in pain, so Aragorn had to figure out when he was pressing too hard by the subtle flinches and hisses of breath between his friend’s teeth.  
He eventually got Legolas stretched onto his stomach, only to have him start crying again.   
“I’m – sorry – I’m s-sorry,” Legolas wailed as Aragorn pulled the elf into his arms.   
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he assured as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “I love you and I want to help you.”  
“I’m – useless and p-pathetic – and y-you are w-wasting – your t-time! I d-don’t even w-want –”  
Legolas cut off his sentence abruptly, sobbing harder than ever.   
“You don’t want what? Tell me, mellon nin.”  
Legolas couldn’t tell him, because at that point he started hyperventilating again. Aragorn was ready with the lavender oil, letting Legolas curl into a ball on his lap, which seemed to comfort the prince, at least. When he was no longer in danger of passing out, Aragorn tried again. “What don’t you want, gwador?”  
The prince shook his head.  
“No, we’re not doing that anymore. You’re going to let me help you, and that includes telling me what you’re thinking.”  
The hyperventilation was back, and it took longer this time to get Legolas’ breathing back to normal. What had the prince not told him? It was clearly tearing him up inside.   
“Saes, Legolas, just tell me. Saes. What don’t you want?”  
“To – to l-live,” Legolas finally whispered brokenly.   
Though this wasn’t entirely unexpected, it still hit Aragorn like an axe to his heart. “I want you to live.” He managed to stop his voice breaking, knowing he had to be strong for his friend. “I’d never recover if I lost you.”  
“You’d b-be better – off – w-without me.”  
“I would not, Legolas.”  
“Promise me,” the elf whispered, cringing as he spoke, as though expecting a different answer.  
“I will never stop loving you, I promise.” He understood, now, why Legolas cried harder every time he heard it. The prince didn’t believe it. Aragorn hugged his distraught friend close, letting the elf cling desperately to him as he cried.   
“You’re p-probably – getting s-sick of h-having – t-to tell – me t-that.”  
“Never, gwador. It is the truth, and I do not mind speaking it.”  
Legolas finally seemed to be calming down, and the tight ball he had himself in loosened ever so slightly as he cried. Aragorn stroked his friend’s hair, offering what comfort he could. He wondered when the was the last time Legolas had allowed someone to hold him when he cried before now. Aragorn had hardly ever seen his friend cry, and when he did, Legolas preferred to be alone until he had himself under control again.   
“Do not ever shy away from comfort, mellon nin,” he murmured. “You deserve it.”  
“I’m weak enough as it is, I don’t need to flaunt just how unworthy I am!”  
“Hush, feeling pain is not weakness.” Aragorn wondered if perhaps this wasn’t just about what had happened in recent months. Had Legolas’ avoidance of everyone he cared for when he was upset always been out of thinking that his pain was weakness? If it was, then it was possible this breakdown had been building up for years – after all, no one could live a life without pain, and if every moment of it told Legolas he was unworthy, no wonder he was struggling so much.   
The tears didn’t stop, but at least the wracking sobs did. Aragorn worried his friend was getting dehydrated with all the water he was losing through tears, but they could deal with that later. He tried to lower Legolas back into the bed, but the movement brought an unforeseen response.  
Legolas cried out in panic and scrabbled frantically, trying to get a better grip on the man.   
“What is it, mellon nin?”  
“Promise me, promise me,” Legolas mumbled, shaking in terror.  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you.” He waited for Legolas to calm slightly before speaking again. “What made you panic just then?”  
“You – you were leaving me.”  
Aragorn realized that he’d have to be more careful with his friend in such a fragile state. “I was not leaving you, I was simply trying to stretch you out on the bed. You need help relaxing those muscles, and I will not be dissuaded, gwador.”  
Legolas nodded, some of the fear leaving his eyes. “Stupid. Should have realized…”  
“It is no problem, mellon nin. I will explain better in future. Now, will you let me lay you on the bed?”  
“Yes.” Legolas averted his eyes, apparently ashamed. Aragorn wished he could convince the prince just how worthy and loved he was.  
Legolas was back in the ball again, and Aragorn started singing as he gently disentangled the prince’s limbs. It seemed to help, and this time, when Legolas was lying flat, he remained calm. Aragorn got out a different oil and started rubbing it into his friend’s back.  
It took hours, but eventually, he’d succeeded in getting the tension out of Legolas’ body. He could tell by his friend’s breathing that the prince was a lot more relaxed now. It had taken a lot of courage for him to confess what was going on in his head. Aragorn was proud of his friend and said so.  
Legolas snorted, apparently thinking it was a joke.  
“No, I’m not joking, mellon nin. In all my years of knowing you, I’ve never found anything that scared you, not until now. It may have been terrifying to tell me, but you did it anyway. How could I fail to be proud of that?”  
“Having a simple conversation should not be terrifying,” Legolas snapped.  
“Tell that to Ada. He’s mastered the art of making a single look terrifying, let alone the subsequent conversation. I believe you have been on the receiving end of such conversations, too.”  
Legolas smiled faintly. “Oh yes. May it never happen again.”  
It was the first time he’d seen Legolas smile for something other than cutting himself, and it gave Aragorn hope. He sat in the chair by the bed as he collected his thoughts. They couldn’t get out for now, so he’d have to do his best to care for the prince on his own. Legolas drifted off as Aragorn tried to remember everything he knew about treating these conditions.  
There were several combinations of herbs he could try, ones that Legolas would take every day to help keep him steady. Then, they needed to get into a good, healthy routine. He also had to make sure the prince kept talking to him, that was the most important thing. Aragorn just hoped that his knowledge would be enough.   
As the sun started to set, Aragorn got up quietly and put on a pair of sturdy leather gloves he found. He made sure to get every shard of broken glass out of the window frame, and collected the pieces he’d thrown out earlier, putting them in a pile to bury.  
Getting the other windows out without waking Legolas wasn’t easy, but he managed to find a bar that he could pry the wood apart with, taking the panes out whole. Hoping his friend would stay asleep, Aragorn hurried to the site from yesterday and buried the glass.   
After checking on Legolas once more, he started on supper, another broth. Legolas’ body couldn’t handle much right now, even though he desperately needed the nourishment. Aragorn took a few pieces of lembas for himself, not wanting to spend time preparing anything more. Fortunately, there was a lot of lembas here.   
Seeing his friend still sleeping, Aragorn was reluctant to wake the prince. He was clearly emotionally and physically exhausted. The man managed to find some notebooks and quills, and started writing out a preliminary routine. Three meals a day, obviously. Bathing, taking herbs, talking, maybe even writing down his feelings, that had helped some people in similar cases. Exercise or time out in nature was a must. Lots of sleep, Legolas needed it.  
Finally, with that done, Aragorn had no choice but to wake the prince. He hated doing it, hated having to force his best friend to eat, but he knew it was necessary if he wanted Legolas to live.   
“Wake up, mellon nin.” He gently shook Legolas’ shoulder, deciding not to mention food until Legolas was properly awake, not wanting to panic him while he was only half-aware. “It’s time to get up now, gwador.”   
Legolas blue eyes flickered open.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5  
Aragorn

“Estel?”  
“I am here. You fell asleep. It’s just past sunset.”  
Legolas flinched at hearing the time, no doubt worried about having to eat again. “I’m still tired.”  
“You can go back to sleep right after you’ve eaten, but you really can’t miss a meal, mellon nin, your body can’t afford it. Don’t give me that look, you promised to let me help you, remember?”  
“I remember.” Legolas was trembling again, and Aragorn took the prince’s hands in his.   
“Would you like to eat here, or at the table?”  
“At the table.”  
They made it to the table without mishap, though Legolas still wobbled when he tried to walk on his own. He didn’t protest when Aragorn started to feed him the broth, though the man could easily see the anguish on his friend’s face.   
“Why don’t you want to eat?” he asked gently.  
“Don’t deserve it,” Legolas muttered between bites. “Would be better if I starved.”  
“If you’d starved, I’d be dead, you do realize that, don’t you? You’ve saved my life more times than I can count.”  
Legolas tilted his head to the side slightly, considering the words. “I… You’d still be better off without me.”  
“I would not be better off dead,” Aragorn said firmly. “And neither would you.”  
The prince kept eating, and didn’t respond.   
“You don’t believe me, do you?”  
“I’m sorry, Estel.”  
Aragorn put an arm around his friend. “It’s ok. As long as you keep letting me help you, that’s all I expect you to do. I know you can’t believe me right now, but you will. Just be honest with me, and do as I say. I’ll sort out the rest.” He was doubtful about his ability to sort out the rest, but Legolas didn’t need to know that.  
Silent tears were running down the prince’s face by the time the bowl of broth was empty, and he held out his arms pleadingly. Aragorn pulled him into a hug, nothing short of delighted that Legolas was asking for his comfort rather than simply tolerating it. Surely, that was a step in the right direction.  
“Come on, mellon nin, you can sleep now.” He carried the elf back to bed. Legolas barely weighed anything, and Aragorn couldn’t hold back a wince as the elf’s jutting ribcage pressed against him.  
He settled in bed next to his friend, and Legolas turned to face him, shaking slightly. “Estel,” he whispered.  
“What is it, gwador?”  
“I – I –”  
“You can tell me,” he murmured. “I will not stop loving you, whatever it is.”  
Legolas twined his trembling hands with the man’s. “Need to throw up. Can’t resist –”  
Aragorn squeezed his hands, holding them firmly. The one thing they had going for them in this whole horrible situation was that Legolas was an elf of his word. The prince had told Aragorn he’d accept help, which included following instructions such as speak his mind, or don’t throw up or hurt himself. He could at least trust his friend to do that much, now that his word had been given.  
“I will not let you, do not worry. I have you.” He kept a firm grip on Legolas’ hands, not allowing him to plunge them into his throat. A couple of times, Legolas lost control and tried to tug his hands free, but he had no muscle with which to overpower Aragorn, who easily kept his hold.  
Legolas was becoming more and more upset – small sobs were starting, and his breathing was hitching, getting faster with each breath. Aragorn sought to distract his friend. “Tomorrow, we’re starting a routine. I have it all planned out. We’ll have breakfast, and then I’ll give you a herbal concoction to drink, something Ada uses for patients with similar problems to you. I’ll have to experiment with the finer points a bit, but I’ll get it right eventually.  
“After breakfast, we’ll bathe, then go for a walk outside. We need to keep checking on the barrier, to see if it’s come down, and to look for any signs of the palace guards, who are no doubt looking for you. If there’s no change there, we’ll spend some time outside in the trees.   
“We’ll come inside for lunch, and afterward you can have a nap. While you sleep, I’ll fiddle with your medicine composition for the next day. When you wake, you and I will talk about how you’re doing before supper.   
“Once you’ve eaten, you’re going to write in a journal about your day and how it felt. The next day, if you want, you can show me or read bits that you’ve written to me in our talking time.”  
Legolas was listening intently, and Aragorn could tell by the way the prince’s hands were clutching his tunic that he was worried. “What is it, mellon nin?”  
“It all sounds so… too close. Too exposed. I just want to continue with normal life.”  
“I know you do, gwador, but I cannot allow you to keep hiding your problems away, that’s not going to help you get better. You have nothing to fear exposing your pain to me, I promise you. I will never stop loving you, no matter what. I know you don’t believe that right now, but with time, I will prove it to you.”  
“I’m… I’m not sure I can do it.”  
“If you’re struggling with the routine, talk to me. Tell me why. It will be hard, but if you keep talking to me, I’ll be able to judge when it’s too challenging and I need to change it, versus when we need to push on through the difficulty. You’ll have to trust me on this, Legolas. I am a healer, remember. You do trust me, don’t you?”  
“With my life,” Legolas breathed.  
But not with his love. Legolas trusted Aragorn to keep him alive, but not to keep loving him. He supposed that any trust at this stage was a bonus.   
“Then we’ll work toward the rest. It’ll get easier, you’ll see.”  
“What about when we get out of here? What if we can’t get out of here?”  
“We will.” Legolas gave him a quizzical look, and Aragorn explained the conclusions he’d come to. “Who has the power to create a magical barrier like this? Only a wizard. Whoever it is clearly isn’t trying to harm us – in fact, they’ve made sure we have everything we need in here. That can only mean they’re trying to help us. I suspect Mithrandir, and I am sure he’ll let us out when the time is right.”  
Legolas nodded slowly. “That makes sense. When Ada didn’t hear back from Elrond, he would have written to Mithrandir.” Guilt filled the prince’s face. “I lied to Ada and the guards. I betrayed them. If I ever was worthy of love, I certainly am not now.” The tears picked up again, and Aragorn tightened his arms around his friend as he spoke.  
“I know about the letters, and I also know that your father still loves you. He turned up at Imladris, that’s why I’m here. When he and Erestor figured out what had happened with the letters, you know what he did? He talked to Elrond, asking how to help you. He only wants you to be well. He still loves you, gwador, and wants to help you.”  
“I don’t deserve it.”   
“Oh mellon nin, of course you do. No one deserves love more than you do.”  
Legolas just shook his head, and Aragorn could do nothing but hold him as he cried and cried like his heart was breaking. At least he wasn’t hyperventilating, but seeing his best friend in such abject misery was still torture.   
“Promise me,” Legolas whispered.  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you.” Aragorn wished he could get the prince to believe the words. He’d never meant anything as much in his life, but Legolas just couldn’t believe him.  
Aragorn didn’t like how Legolas seemed to be getting more distraught by the moment, no matter his attempts at comfort. “Tell me what you’re thinking. I don’t want you to drown in your thoughts, and I can tell they are bothering you.”  
“Won’t – g-get – bet-better –” Legolas gasped between sobs. “D-defective – waste – of t-time –”  
“You are not defective, and you will get better. I am not wasting my time. I love you, mellon nin, and I want to spend my time taking care of you.”  
A shuddering cry came out of Legolas’ mouth, and he quickly clamped his lips shut.  
“There is no one here to hear us. You do not need to hide your pain, gwador.”  
Perhaps the prince realized the truth of this, because he seemed to let go of what restraint he’d been holding onto. His sounds of anguish were enough to make the stars weep.   
Aragorn started rocking him gently. “It is alright, I am with you,” he murmured. “I love you, gwador, I will always love you.”  
Legolas had lost so much weight, his lithe form was lost in Aragorn’s embrace. His skin was cold, and Aragorn pulled another blanket over the two of them. Legolas started squirming, turning so that his back was to the man’s chest. “H-hold me?” There was a desperate kind of vulnerability in the request, and Aragorn quickly re-wrapped his arms around the prince.  
Legolas leaned back, pressing into him, still sobbing, his entire body curling in on itself in misery. “I – c-can’t, Estel –” he choked out. “H-hurts – too – m-much –”  
“Tell me what I can do, mellon nin. I will help you shoulder the pain.”  
“Y-you could – c-could – k-kill – me.”  
Aragorn closed his eyes, glad his friend couldn’t see his face. “I will not do that, gwador.”  
Of course, this answer brought on a whole new round of hysterics. Aragorn held Legolas clasped tightly against him as he cried, whispering his love into the prince’s ear, wishing he could do more.   
Once again, Legolas cried himself to sleep. Aragorn was relieved when his friend finally drifted off. At least while asleep the prince could get some peace. He leaned over to see Legolas’ eyes were closed, and wondered how much rest the elf had been getting recently.   
Aragorn eventually drifted off himself, his thoughts full of plans for the next day. He was woken in the middle of the night by Legolas shaking him.   
“Estel?” The prince’s voice was filled with tears.   
“What is it, mellon nin?”  
“I… I promised you I wouldn’t hurt myself… but I have to.”  
Aragorn breathed a sigh of relief that his friend had woken him. If the only way Legolas could keep his word was by getting Aragorn to physically stop him from breaking it, that was what he’d do.  
“Thank you for waking me. Don’t worry, you’re not going anywhere.” His arms were still around Legolas, but Aragorn tightened his grip a little, finding the prince’s hands and holding them firmly not even allowing him to scratch himself.  
Legolas was as tense as a drawn bow again, and Aragorn could tell he was resisting the urge to struggle, to get away and go somewhere to hurt himself.   
“How were you planning to do it?” he asked. “I’ve removed everything sharp from the house.”  
“The forest. Sharp rocks or branches.”  
Aragorn’s heart sank as he realized Legolas was right. There were any number of things in the forest that were sharp enough to cut. He couldn’t possibly get rid of all of them.   
“I will not leave your side until you are sure you can resist.” He stroked the back of Legolas’ hand with his thumb, hoping to soothe him.   
They were quiet for a few minutes before Legolas started to struggle. “Estel, let go – I have to – have to –”  
“I will not allow it,” Aragorn said firmly. “You are not going to hurt yourself.”  
“I need it. Can’t keep – keep existing otherwise. Not worth – the air I breathe.” Legolas was still writhing, but Aragorn easily restrained him.   
“You are worth everything,” he said steadily. “You do not need to hurt yourself. I know you feel that you do, but I can’t let you, mellon nin.”  
Legolas stopped struggling and began to cry weakly. “I’m sorry, Estel.” His voice broke on the last word. “I should be stronger.”  
“You woke me before you did anything. That is all the strength I need from you, mellon nin – to ask for my help when you need it.”  
Legolas turned himself to face Aragorn, and the man pulled his friend’s head onto his shoulder, feeling the tears quickly soak through his tunic. “Promise me,” Legolas whispered.  
Aragorn hated how Legolas tensed every time he asked that question, as if honestly expecting a different answer. “I promise I will never stop loving you.” He hugged Legolas close, trying to put all of his love and care into the touch, hoping some part of his feelings would reach the elf.   
He sought to distract his friend “When we get out of here, we are going to Imladris.” Aragorn made it clear by his tone that the matter was not up for discussion. “You may have been able to dissuade your father, but you will not convince me, nor my brothers or Ada. They will all be at the palace by now.”  
He could almost hear Legolas grimacing. “Come now, mellon nin, you haven’t seen them in almost a year. I know you must miss them; they are as much your family a Thranduil is. You know that you’ve needed a trip to Imladris for some time, and I expect no trouble about it.”  
“You always were too stubborn for your own good,” Legolas muttered, but his voice was no longer choked with tears.   
“How could I not be, with the twins as my brothers and you as my best friend? I learned from the best.”  
“You forgot your father. He may be patient and compromising most of the time, but when a patient’s health is at stake, he can be more stubborn than a mule.”  
Aragorn chuckled lightly. “You’re right there. Which is exactly why he’ll have you to Imladris so fast you won’t even have time to protest. A good thing too, considering any protests at this stage would result in The Eyebrow.”  
He was hoping to get a laugh from Legolas, but Aragorn would settle for the resigned sigh and the slight relaxation of the prince’s tense muscles. He wrapped himself around his friend, determined to wake if Legolas so much as twitched in the night. He’d do whatever it took to see the prince well again.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
Legolas

Legolas was woken by a panic attack, not a pleasant thing to be woken up with. He hadn’t even realized they could hit while he was still asleep, but apparently they could. It took Estel nearly an hour to calm him down, and after that he was so shaky that his stomach rebelled and vomited up his breakfast without any help from his hand down his throat.  
“Go away, Estel,” Legolas groaned, squeezing his eyes shut and wishing everything would disappear.   
Estel ignored the instruction and continued patiently cleaning up the sick. “I am not going away, mellon nin, not when you need me.”  
“I can clean up puke myself.”  
“I know you can, but you don’t have to. I’m nearly done anyway.”  
Legolas didn’t understand why Estel was still here. How had the man not yet realized that he wasn’t worth helping? He didn’t even seem annoyed! Any normal person would have lost patience by now.   
“What did Elrond do to you?” Legolas muttered.   
“What do you mean?”  
“Did he put you through some kind of special patience training when you were younger? How are you not shouting at me and telling me to take my problems somewhere else?”  
“Because I love you.” Again, there was no trace of irritation in Estel’s voice. “I’ll keep telling you that until you believe me.”  
Legolas wanted to believe, he really did, but it was hard when everything he knew about himself was telling him it wouldn’t last. Who would stay for him, really? Maybe Estel was just a bit dense, that he hadn’t figured it out yet. “I don’t deserve your love.”  
“Yes, you do, gwador, I promise you do, and you always will. There, all done. Would you like to bathe before you try again with the food?”  
He’d only just woken up and this day was already awful. Legolas felt like sitting down on the floor, bursting into tears and giving up. He couldn’t, though. He had to keep going, to be strong, or at least keep up the charade of strength.   
No, that wasn’t true. Estel knew everything, now. There was no point in acting. Legolas didn’t know whether that knowledge terrified or relieved him. He felt his legs giving out, though of course, Estel was there to break his fall.  
Completely giving up on his restraint, Legolas sat down on the floor, buried his head in his knees and cried. Estel’s arms were around him at once, and the man was cooing soothing things in his ear. Legolas leaned into the touch, taking what comfort he could while he could get it.  
It would make more sense to learn to function without Estel, as he had been doing before his friend arrived. If he was going to survive after their friendship ended, Legolas needed to start learning to cope now. He found himself unable to pull away, though. He’d never truly realized how badly he needed to be held when he was in pain. It was something he’d always denied himself, and now that he had it, Legolas didn’t know how he’d ever go back.  
“What are you thinking?” Estel asked quietly.  
“I – should – learn t-to – function without – y-you – for – w-when you – l-leave.” Legolas hated how he could barely form a coherent sentence when he was in this state. Some prince he was. He was pathetic.   
“I am not going to leave, mellon nin. Think about it – you expected me to leave before now, did you not?”  
Unable to get more words out, Legolas nodded jerkily.  
“And yet, I am still here. Surely, that has to at least make you question your belief that I’m going to stop loving you and run off.”  
It did, but Legolas was scared to question, scared to hope, because then it would be all the more unbearable when the inevitable happened.   
Estel sat on the floor with him for an indeterminate amount of time, letting the prince cry into his shoulder. Legolas huddled in his friend’s arms, with no energy to do anything else.   
“I want to give up,” he mumbled, once his sobs had calmed enough to let him speak in coherent sentences. “It’s too hard. I’m already exhausted. I can’t do it, Estel.”  
“I know you can’t, mellon nin. You are not going to do anything. We are going to do it, together. I will help you.”  
“Can’t,” Legolas cried weakly. Estel simply pulled the prince’s head back to his shoulder, and Legolas wrapped his arms around his friend. “Please,” he begged, not even knowing what he was begging for. For some end to this nightmare.   
Estel gathered the elf onto his lap, and Legolas went limp in his arms, allowing himself to be held and comforted as he cried. “I love you, gwador, I promise I will always love you.”  
Legolas had his arms around Estel’s neck, and clutched tighter at those words, terrified that they would be taken back at any moment. They weren’t, though, and Estel continued to rock him gently, humming under his breath.   
He didn’t know how much time passed, but eventually, Legolas’ tears stopped. He blinked dumbly. “I’m awake.”  
“Yes, I had gathered that much.”  
“No, I mean, I stopped crying by myself. I didn’t have to fall asleep first.”  
Estel beamed at him. “You see? You’re already making progress!”  
A small spark of hope flared up in Legolas’ chest, only to be doused by Estel’s next words.   
“Now, how about I get you some more breakfast?”  
“I’m too tired, Estel,” Legolas groaned. “Please.”  
“I’m sorry, mellon nin, but you really do have to eat. Tell you what, you can just eat lembas, so you won’t have to wait for me to prepare a broth, and then you can have a nap. I can see you’re exhausted, we can modify our routine for today.”  
“I can’t.” Legolas recognized that he was starting to hyperventilate again, but he didn’t know how to stop himself. “I’ll throw up again.”  
“Hey, just breathe, just breathe. I hear you, ok? How about this, I’ll make you a tea to settle your stomach first.”  
It was the best deal he was going to get, so Legolas nodded, but he didn’t let go of Estel. He wasn’t ready to let go yet. “No,” he breathed as Estel tried to get up.  
“What is it?”  
“Don’t leave me. Please. Promise me.”  
“I promise, I will never leave you, nor stop loving you. I’m just going to boil water, I’ll be right over there.”  
Legolas tried to get a hold of himself. Estel wouldn’t even be out of his line of vision. It was deplorable that he couldn’t even handle being separated from his friend by a few feet. He needed to do better if he wanted any chance of keeping Estel’s love – if that was even possible.  
He allowed Estel to help him onto a chair and sat quietly as the man bustled around, making tea and getting out some lembas. Legolas found his eyes wandering, looking for any sharp object, but Estel had been thorough. There was nothing here that could so much as cut up fruit, let alone skin.  
To Legolas’ great surprise, the tea did indeed work. He was still consumed with waves of self-hatred as he ate the lembas, but most unfortunately, the food stayed in his stomach – or perhaps fortunately, since Estel would only have made him eat more if he vomited.  
“What are you thinking?” Estel prompted.  
“I’m not worth the food. I hate myself for daring to live, to cause more problems to others. It feels like it’s consuming me. It’s worse when I eat, though, when I take measures to extend my miserable life.” Legolas finally swallowed the last piece of lembas.   
“You are worth it, I promise.” The words were said with such heartfelt conviction; Legolas just wished he could believe them. “When did those thoughts about not deserving food start?” Estel asked gently.  
“Ask me later? I’ll tell you, I swear, I’m just so tired, Estel…”  
His friend’s face softened in sympathy. “Of course. Come on, I’ll take you for your nap.”  
Legolas didn’t even object to being carried. He drifted off in Estel’s arms, only reviving briefly when the man tucked him into bed, quickly falling back into a deep sleep.  
He was woken by the noise of something banging. Legolas looked up, to see Estel slamming the wardrobe closed. The prince’s heart clenched when he saw that Estel had his travel pack ready.  
“Estel… where are you going?”  
“Where do you think I’m going?” Estel spat. He turned to face Legolas, and the look on his face was enough to break the elf’s fragile heart. Disgust. Disappointment. Everything he had known was coming. He’d thought he was prepared for it, but Legolas realized that he never truly had been.  
“You – you promised,” he gasped through sudden tears. “You promised me.”  
“You lied to me,” Estel snarled. “You made me think you were worth loving. I’ve got to give you credit, Legolas, you had me fooled for a long time. No longer, though.”  
“Please.” He didn’t want to beg, but Legolas couldn’t help it as the words slipped from his mouth. He couldn’t lose Estel. “Please, stay with me. I’ll do anything!”  
“The only thing of value you could do would be to die!” Estel yelled. “Leave me alone, stop burdening me with your problems, stop burdening everyone. What ever made you think you were worth love?”  
“I…” Legolas had no answer. He knew Estel was right. He could say nothing as his best friend in the world turned on his heel and stalked out.  
“Please, Estel, wait!” Legolas struggled to follow after his friend, to beg him to stay, but some invisible force was holding him back. He shrieked and writhed, but was unable to break free. If Estel left now, Legolas would never see him again, that much was certain. This was his only chance.  
“No, Estel, you promised me! Please, come back, ESTEL! ESTEL!”


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7  
Aragorn

“Legolas! Legolas, wake up, you are dreaming, mellon nin!” Aragorn shook his friend, but Legolas was caught in the grips of a nightmare and wouldn’t wake. His heartrending cries were going right through the man, cutting him deeply. It was obvious what Legolas was dreaming about.  
“Wake!” Aragorn shook him so hard that the prince’s head whipped wildly back and forth, and he feared giving his friend an injury, but he had to free him from the nightmare.  
Legolas’ eyes suddenly snapped open. When he saw Aragorn right in front of him, he cried out and threw himself off the bed, falling heavily onto the floor.  
Aragorn knelt by his side at once, but Legolas scooted away. “Stay away,” Legolas cried wildly. “I know you’re lying, I know you don’t love me!”  
“Mellon nin, you were just having a nightmare. You are awake now.” Aragorn stretched a hand out to his friend, who cringed. “I love you, I promise. It was just a dream.”  
Legolas wasn’t listening to him. The prince was crying hysterically and flinching away from his friend’s touch. Aragorn hesitated, unsure whether it would be better to give him space at the moment. Then he remembered how Legolas always clung to him when he was upset, terrified that Aragorn would disappear. Space wasn’t what the elf needed right now.  
Aragorn lunged and captured his friend’s arms and legs, pulling him into a hug. Legolas struggled against it, but Aragorn wouldn’t relent. “I love you,” he said firmly. “I will always love you. A nightmare will not change that. Take a few deep breaths, mellon nin. You are still caught up by the dream. You need to realize that you are awake now, and it was only a dream.”  
Gradually, Legolas’ struggles stopped, and his tears slowed. “E-Estel?”  
“I am here, mellon nin. You had a nightmare.”  
Legolas shuddered. “You said… you said you didn’t love me.”  
“It was a dream, gwador. I would never say that, because it is not true, nor will it ever be true.”  
The tension suddenly went out of Legolas’ body, and he fell into Aragorn, sobbing and clutching his friend. “It’s alright, it was just a dream,” Aragorn murmured. “I’ll always love you.”  
“It – w-was so – r-real –”  
“I know, I know. It’s not true, though. It will never be true.” The dream must have been awful indeed, because even though Legolas was now awake, he still seemed terrified that Aragorn would suddenly change his mind about loving him. Any progress he had made in convincing the prince that would never happen was wiped out.   
“Hush, you’re alright. I’m here, I won’t leave you.” He pulled Legolas onto his lap, leaning his back against the wall, and started rocking his friend while Legolas cried into his tunic. Aragorn rubbed the prince’s shaking shoulders.  
“Promise m-me.”  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you,” Aragorn replied steadily. Legolas still tensed every time he asked the question, truly expecting a different answer, and it broke the man’s heart.   
Slowly, Legolas seemed to tire himself out, but the moment his eyelids started drooping, the prince jerked and gasped, snapping himself back into wakefulness. Though he could use the sleep, Aragorn knew he’d never persuade his friend to sleep now, not after that nightmare.  
“Come, let’s go through to the table, it’s about time for lunch anyway.”  
Legolas just tucked his head back into the man’s shoulder, as though hoping to hide. Aragorn chuckled lightly and patted the elf’s back. He stood up, easily lifting his light friend and carrying him to the table.  
Aragorn paused at the chair. “I’m going to put you down. That will require me letting go of you, but I’ll stay right beside you. Ok?”  
“Ok.”  
He was glad he’d given the warning, because even with it, Legolas stiffened when Aragorn had to pry his hands loose to get him down. “Just relax, mellon nin. I am not leaving you.”  
Finally, he got Legolas seated at the table, and grabbed some lembas. He really should take the time to use the food in the kitchen to prepare something more elaborate, but he’d hardly had time for that so far.   
Legolas was still crying too hard to eat without choking, so Aragorn stood behind the prince and started unbraiding his hair and combing it with his fingers. The prince leaned back into the touch, his sobs slowly calming.   
“How about some lunch?” Aragorn asked quietly.  
As he’d expected, Legolas flinched, but the prince didn’t protest, which he took to be a good sign.  
“Would you prefer broth or lembas? I can make some broth if that’s better for you.”  
“Either is fine. It’s all equally awful.”  
Aragorn squeezed his friend’s shoulder in sympathy. “I’ll try to make you something more interesting when we have time. For now, I want you to eat half a piece. We’ll eventually work up to a whole one, but I think half is all your stomach can handle right now.”  
Legolas had only eaten a few bites before he started panicking. “I can’t, Estel, I can’t!”  
“Just relax, slow down.” Aragorn took the lembas out of his friend’s hand and forced the elf to look at him. “Focus on me. That’s right. Now, tell me what you’re thinking.”  
“I’m making it worse! Each bite I take is tying me further to life, and I don’t deserve to live, I don’t!”  
Aragorn pulled Legolas into a tight hug, cutting off his increasingly hysterical words. “You do, I promise you. I know you don’t believe that right now, but you have to trust me, gwador.”  
“I – I trust you.” Legolas was gradually getting his breathing under control.   
“Good, that’s right,” Aragorn murmured, stroking the prince’s back. “There you go. You ready to try another few bites?”  
The rest of the meal went without mishap, though after it was done, Legolas rested his head on the table and covered it with his arms, refusing to move. He was shaking, but not crying from what Aragorn could see.   
“Mellon nin? Talk to me.”  
No response. Aragorn wondered if it would be best to give him time, but he feared what was going on in Legolas’ head, and what would happen if he were to leave the elf alone with his thoughts. He quickly heated water and started pouring it into the bath tub, until it was full of steaming water.  
“Come on, it’s time for your bath.”  
He carried Legolas through to the bathroom and spent a few minutes uncurling the prince’s body so that he could undress him. Once Legolas was sitting naked in the tub, Aragorn undressed and got in with him.   
Legolas tilted his head back, sighing slightly in pleasure. “It’s so warm.”  
“You won’t suffer as much with the cold as you put on some weight,” Aragorn assured him. “For now, let’s get you clean.”  
Legolas stayed in the water until it started to get cold, and Aragorn let him. If long baths relaxed his friend, he’d make sure to do them every day. When they finally got out, Aragorn piled multiple layers on the prince, making sure he was warm enough.  
“We’re going to go outside now. We can walk for a bit, though I doubt you’ll be able to go very far for now. You can scope out a tree you’d like to sit in, and spend some time there while I check on the barrier.”  
Legolas’ eyes lit up. “I’d like that.”  
“To be honest, I’m surprised I’ve kept you away from the trees this long, mellon nin.”  
Legolas had to lean heavily on his arm to walk, and Aragorn had been right about him not being able to go far. The prince decided on an old oak to settle in, and Aragorn made sure he was seated and steady on his branch before hurrying off to check on the barrier. He was wary of leaving his friend alone, but Legolas looked so peaceful, Aragorn didn’t think there would be any trouble.  
When he got back, the first thing he did was check his friend’s body for any new cuts, but there were none. Sighing in relief, Aragorn sat down on the branch next to him. They were quiet for a while, and after some time, Aragorn started singing softly. Legolas didn’t join in like he usually did, but he closed his eyes as he listened to the music, appearing content.   
When the prince started shivering, Aragorn insisted on bringing him inside and swaddling him in blankets. Their routine went well for the rest of the day. They talked more about Legolas’ recent thoughts, and by the time Aragorn had calmed his friend’s resultant tears and panic attacks, it was time for supper.   
He handed the prince a journal, instructing him to write whatever he was thinking, which Legolas did without protest. The problem came when it was time to sleep.  
“No. I won’t do it.” There was panic in Legolas’ eyes as he spoke.  
“You have to sleep, mellon nin. I know you’re afraid of nightmares, but your body needs the rest. I will be right here. I’ll wake you if you start having bad dreams, I promise.”  
“No.”  
“Legolas, don’t make me sedate you.”  
“You can’t, Estel, you can’t!”  
He was reluctant to force this on the prince when he didn’t need to. Unlike eating, Legolas would fall asleep eventually, despite his best efforts.  
“Alright, but you have to lie in bed with me. Whether or not you sleep is up to you.”  
“I will sit in bed with you, if you insist.”  
It was the best he was going to get, so Aragorn nodded.   
Over the next three days, Legolas stuck to their routine, with one exception – he wouldn’t sleep. Aragorn’s initial assumption that the prince would fall asleep whether he wanted to or not started to falter. Legolas was so terrified of sleeping that his entire body seemed to shy away from it, even when he was clearly exhausted.  
No matter how Aragorn tried to convince him, the prince simply became more and more exhausted, with no sign of relenting in sight. If he didn’t sleep soon, Aragorn would have to force the sedating herbs on him after all.   
Legolas was currently sitting at the table, staring into the distance, too out of it even to feed himself. He was frazzled, and it hurt Aragorn to have to watch.   
“Mellon nin, please, you have to sleep.”  
Though he’d been saying the same thing for days, Legolas suddenly flinched, staring at the man with wide eyes. “No,” he whispered.  
“Yes, Legolas, you need it.”  
“You promised, Estel, you promised me!” Legolas started backing away, tears rapidly filling his eyes. “Please…”  
“Gwador, what are you talking about? I never promised not to make you sleep.”  
“No, no, no!” Legolas pressed his hands to his ears, his face filled with pain. “You promised, you promised you’d never stop loving me!”  
Aragorn’s heart clenched as he realized what was happening. Legolas had been without sleep for three days. He was hallucinating. Worse, hallucinating his worst fear. There was nothing for it, he would have to force the elf to sleep now.  
Aragorn lunged for his friend, but Legolas evaded him, sprinting away and bursting out of the cabin’s front door. Cursing, Aragorn ran after him, but the regular meals had helped build back a bit of the prince’s strength, and he managed to evade the man for now.  
“Legolas, stop, come back!”   
Legolas was crying hysterically as he ran and shouting things Aragorn couldn’t make out. They didn’t go far before they hit the barrier. Legolas threw himself at it a few times before changing direction just in time to escape Aragorn’s grip.  
Fortunately, Legolas still had a long way to go in terms of building up his physical strength, and it wasn’t long before the prince ran out of energy, his wild run slowing to a staggering jog. Aragorn caught up and grabbed him, doing his best to ignore his friend’s screams.  
He dragged the prince back to the house, but then hesitated, unsure what to do. He needed a few minutes to prepare the sleeping herbs, and if he let Legolas go for that long, the chase would just start all over again.   
“Legolas, calm down, you’re hallucinating! I’m here, I love you, I’ll always love you.”  
Whatever the prince heard, it wasn’t that, because at Aragorn’s words he started struggling even harder than he had been before.  
“I’m sorry, mellon nin,” Aragorn murmured. Then he pressed his forearm to Legolas’ neck, holding on until the elf passed out.  
Aragorn rushed to prepare the herbs, and had them ready by the time Legolas started stirring. He forced his friend’s jaw open and poured the tea down his protesting throat. Legolas coughed and choked, but managed to swallow most of it. Aragorn sighed in relief when the prince finally fell asleep.  
He carried Legolas to the bed and tucked him in, wondering how long it would be before he woke. Considering how exhausted Legolas was, it may be a while. Aragorn just hoped he didn’t have nightmares.  
Legolas slept for almost a full day, and when he woke, he was understandably confused. “Estel? ESTEL!”  
Aragorn had been in the kitchen, and came pelting through at Legolas’ panicked shout. “I am here, mellon nin, what is it?”  
“Oh,” Legolas gasped, relief filling his face. “I thought you’d left me. You… you said you didn’t love me. I remember it; I wasn’t asleep, I’m sure I wasn’t.”  
“You weren’t, you were hallucinating from lack of sleep. I had to force sedation on you.”  
“Oh.” Legolas hung his head. “I’m sorry, Estel.”  
“You do not need to apologize, just please don’t do anything like that again, mellon nin. I was really worried for you.”  
“I will do better.” Legolas had a strange expression on his face when he said it, but when questioned, he just shook his head. “I assume we have a routine to get back to?”  
“Correct. I’ve just made us a nice stew for lunch. Are you up to walking?”  
“Yes.” They walked to the table, Legolas a bit unsteadily, but he made it. When Aragorn turned to dish out the stew, the prince caught his wrist. “Estel?”  
“What is it, mellon nin?”  
“Promise me?” The words were tentative, and Legolas visibly cringed as he waited for an answer.  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you.” Aragorn tilted his friend’s chin up. “That will not change, gwador. I know the last few days have told you otherwise, but it was nightmares or hallucinations speaking. It was not me.”  
“I know… but what if it happens again?”  
“Well, the hallucinations certainly aren’t going to happen again, because I am not letting you go without sleep anymore, no matter how much you don’t want it. As for the nightmares, I’ve been experimenting with different herbs. I believe I have a combination that if taken before sleep, will stop you from dreaming. Are you willing to try it?”  
Legolas nodded. “Anything to prevent that nightmare. Anything…”  
“Then we’ll try that tonight. Here you go, I know it’s a big bowl, but I want you to try your best to eat all of it.”


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8  
Legolas

Legolas ate the stew, biting back the complaints and pleas he was dying to utter. He couldn’t, though. His recent experience had taught him that.   
Losing Estel’s love – or at least, thinking he had – was worse than he ever could have imagined. He’d do anything to avoid that. For some reason, Estel had not yet realized that he wasn’t worth loving, and Legolas was going to take advantage of that.   
He would do everything his friend told him to do, without complaint. He’d prove he wasn’t entirely worthless, and perhaps manage to keep Estel’s friendship. Legolas could only hope.  
It was a good plan, but it was easier said than done. When he’d been talking to Estel, as horrible as it had been, it had released some of the emotions that tormented him. Now, Legolas had no escape, and he felt like he was drowning within his own mind.   
“Talk to me. I can tell you’re hurting, mellon nin. You’ve barely said anything since you woke up yesterday.”  
“I am fine, Estel. I am doing everything you ask.”  
“Everything except talk to me!”  
That was the one thing he couldn’t do, not if his plan was going to work. Legolas averted his eyes and focused on choking down his breakfast. He needed some form of relief, he knew that. This afternoon, when Estel took him outside, Legolas would have to act.   
At least the man’s sleeping potion had so far worked to keep the nightmares away. Legolas gladly took the time to sleep, because it let him escape from Estel’s constant questions.  
After breakfast, they went outside, as was their pattern. Legolas kept a keen eye on the ground, but even when he did spot something sharp, he wasn’t able to pick it up, as Estel was right beside him.  
“Do you think you can walk to the barrier today?”  
Legolas shook his head, fearing that if he gave voice to his lie, Estel would hear the dishonesty in his words.   
“That’s alright. You just stay in the oak, as usual, and I’ll go take a look.”  
Legolas waited several minutes, to be sure Estel was gone, then darted down, snatching up the sharpest rock he’d seen on their walk. He retreated to the tree, keeping a firm hold on the rock.  
As much as he wanted to slash at himself with abandon, he couldn’t, not if he didn’t want Estel to find out. Legolas pulled up his tunic and made five careful cuts across his stomach, taking off his socks and pressing them against the wound to mop up the blood.   
By the time Estel returned, Legolas’ boots were back on, and the bleeding had stopped. As he’d expected, his mind was clear, and he could breathe better. Yes, this was what he’d needed. Estel was cruel to keep him from it, but Legolas could do it without his friend’s knowledge. He was strong enough to bathe on his own now without drowning. He could hide it.  
“What is it? What’s wrong?”  
“W-What?” He stared at Estel in horror. How did he know?  
“I can see something happened to you. Tell me, mellon nin.”  
“I am fine, Estel. Good, actually.” Legolas forced a smile, but Estel read it as a fake at once.   
“Show me your arms.”  
Legolas did so, glad he’d cut his stomach in case of this eventuality. Estel wasn’t satisfied, though. He tried to lift Legolas’ tunic, and Legolas immediately resisted. “I’m fine, Estel.”  
The stubborn man wouldn’t listen, and easily overpowered him.   
“No, mellon nin,” he sighed as he lifted the tunic and immediately saw the cuts. “What happened?”  
Legolas clamped his mouth shut and shook his head.  
“Talk to me,” Estel pleaded. “What has happened that you won’t tell me what you’re thinking anymore?”  
He’d never been able to resist Estel when he begged for something, and he was begging now. “I – I can’t. Don’t make me.”  
“I’m sorry, gwador, but I have to. I thought I should give you time to sort out your thoughts, but it obviously isn’t helping, so now you’ll have to talk to me.”  
When he didn’t respond, Estel sighed. “Legolas, I want you to let me read your journal.”  
Panic ignited in his stomach. Estel couldn’t read that, it would tell him everything! “You can’t,” he whispered.  
“I’m not going to do it without your permission,” Estel assured him, “but it’s either that or you tell me what’s going on. I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.”  
Suddenly unable to sit still, Legolas leapt lightly from the tree and hurried back to the cabin, Estel right on his heels. The prince snatched the journal Estel had been having him write in every night from the nightstand drawer and clutched it protectively to his chest.  
Estel fixed him with a stern look and held out his hand. “Either you show me, or you tell me. I mean it, mellon nin, this can’t continue. You promised to let me help you.”  
Legolas winced. He had promised that, and he knew he wasn’t being true to his word, not if he denied Estel this. With a shaking hand, he held out the journal.  
Estel sat down on the bed and quickly became immersed in it. By the time he’d read the last page, he looked close to tears.   
“Oh, mellon nin.” He pulled the unresisting prince into a hug. “I understand what you’re doing, but it needs to stop. I will always love you, no matter what. It doesn’t matter how much you struggle. You never have to be strong for me.”  
“I do.” Legolas tried to fight back the tears, but they came regardless. “I’m already weak and pathetic. Why would you ever love me? I can’t lose you, Estel, I can’t.”  
“You will not lose me, I swear it. Gwador, you are not going to get better if you keep doing this. You have to let me see what’s going on in your head so that I can help you.”  
“I c-can’t – go b-back to – being afraid – all the t-time,” Legolas gasped between sobs.  
“What do you mean?” Estel asked gently.  
“Fear isn’t as b-bad – w-when I’m – being – being s-strong. L-less chance – of y-you – working out I’m – n-not worthy – of y-your l-love.”  
“I am not going to work that out, because it’s not true. I will add some herbs to your morning medicine that will help with the anxiety. Alright? If you’re struggling with anything, you just need to tell me, and I’ll do my best to help you with it. Come, I can see you’re close to panicking now, let’s try out a few things.”  
Legolas didn’t think it would be as easy as taking some herbs, but he allowed Estel to add some of their seemingly endless supplies to a mug of warm tea. To his great surprise, it actually did help. Within minutes of taking it, the worst of the panic had ebbed, and Legolas was even able to slow his tears.  
“How is that?”  
“B-better,” he admitted. “Sleepy, though.”  
Estel nodded. “I made it quite a high dose this time, you looked right on the edge of another panic attack. I’ll do a smaller dose in the mornings, maybe combine it with something a bit more long-acting to keep you calm through the day but not make you too sleepy.”  
He made everything sound so simple. Legolas sat back while Estel cleaned and bandaged the new cuts, wondering if his friend could possibly be right about this. “Do you… do you really think you can fix me?”  
“I do.” There was no deceit in Estel’s gaze. “I told you, Ada has treated patients with similar conditions to yours before. It’s difficult, but you can get through this, gwador, I promise you.”  
Legolas opened his mouth to ask for the same reassurance Estel had been giving him for days, but choked back the words. Estel must be so sick of telling him the same thing over and over again, and never being believed.  
“What is it?” Estel’s gaze was kind and understanding, and it loosened Legolas’ tongue against his will.  
“Promise me?” As always, his insides clenched in fear. This time, Estel would realize that he wasn’t truly worth loving. He’d leave, and Legolas would never see him again, and –   
“I promise, I will never stop loving you.”  
Legolas took a shaky breath. He wished he could believe Estel, he truly did.   
“Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”  
“Your routine is exhausting,” Legolas admitted. “If I talk to you, I spend half of the day weeping, and it always feels like I lose more energy from that than I could ever gain back from sleep or food. Or I don’t talk to you, and I feel like I’m drowning and just keeping my head above water is too much effort.”  
Estel pulled him into another gentle hug. “I know, mellon nin, I know. It’ll get easier, I promise you. I’ll change things slightly to make your naps longer if you feel you’re still too tired to do everything.”  
Changing the naps didn’t help. Legolas had given up on pretending, which meant there was little motivation to keep him sticking to Estel’s routine. He tried, he really did, but each day was so brutally hard, and he never seemed to make any progress, despite Estel’s assurances that he was.  
Legolas managed a week before giving up. He’d spent the entire afternoon sobbing in Estel’s arms and he’d had three panic attacks in the last few hours.   
“Come on, it’s time for supper.”  
Legolas just rolled over in bed and pulled the pillow over his head. “I can’t.” He hated how broken his voice sounded.  
“You can, mellon nin, I will help you. Here, I’ll carry you.”  
He was limp as Estel carried him, and when he was placed in his chair in the dining room, Legolas let his head fall heavily onto the table before him.  
“Gwador? What is it?”  
“It’s too hard, Estel. I can’t do it.” His voice was slightly muffled by the table, but Legolas couldn’t summon the will or the energy to speak more clearly.  
Estel knelt down next to him, so that their faces were roughly level. “What can I do to help?”  
Legolas just shook his head. He didn’t know what Estel could do to help. He was beyond fixing. His eyes protested as more tears started leaking forth. Despite the eyedrops Estel put in three times a day, he still managed to dry his eyes out with all the stupid crying he did.   
“Hey, it’s alright. Come here.”  
He didn’t resist as Estel pulled him close, tucking the prince’s head to his shoulder. “It’s n-not – alright,” Legolas cried. “I’m – b-broken. You c-can’t – fix m-me.”  
“I can, and I will. I know you’re exhausted, gwador, but you are doing well, I promise you.”  
“It’s n-not – w-working!”  
“It is slow, Legolas, you have to realize that. This isn’t like an injury you can stitch up and it’ll heal in a few weeks. These things take months, sometimes years.”  
That hardly did anything to cheer him up, and Legolas turned to wrap his arms around Estel, leaning into him and letting the man take most of his weight. Soon enough, he found himself once more in his friend’s lap, sobbing like an elfling.   
“I’m – p-pathetic.”  
“You are not pathetic. Don’t even think that about yourself. I love you, and I will always love you.”  
“C-can’t,” Legolas gasped. Just the thought of eating another meal, of talking about the mess in his head and writing in that stupid journal was enough to make him sick to his stomach. He just wanted everything to disappear… wanted himself to disappear.   
Estel picked up the increase in his crying and started stroking the prince’s hair. “What is it?”  
He was too exhausted to resist, and Legolas just let his thoughts spill out. “W-want – to – d-die.”  
His friend clutched him tighter, and Legolas held on just as tightly, weeping into Estel’s tunic in abject misery.   
“It’s alright, I will help you, gwador. You won’t always feel like this.”  
“Can’t!” Legolas wailed again. He couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t.  
“Ok, ok, I hear you. I hear you, mellon nin. I’m going to add some nutrition supplements to your nighttime tea in place of supper, and you can go to bed right now. I can see you’re overwhelmed. This has not been a good day for you, has it?”  
“Not – g-good – year.”  
“I guess not. You just relax here, I’ll sort out everything.”  
Legolas was left to cry with his head on the table while Estel quickly prepared a tea that was more like a soup, since it contained his dinner, but Legolas didn’t care. It would put him to sleep, and right now, that’s all he wanted. He gulped it down, and fell asleep just as Estel was picking him up to carry to his room.  
The next day, Legolas felt only a little better, but Estel insisted on getting back to the routine. “Leave me alone, you stinking human,” he snapped. “I don’t want to do your stupid routine.”  
Estel smiled impishly at him. “Sounds like someone is feeling a bit better. If you have the energy to complain, then you have the energy to stick to our routine.”  
Legolas muttered curses under his breath, but allowed Estel to coach him through breakfast as usual. He hated to admit it, but last night’s break from the exhausting routine had done him good. He’d have preferred a longer break, but what he’d been given was at least enough to let him face the day without wanting to burrow into a hole in the ground and never return.   
To Legolas’ great surprise, Estel was actually right. It did get easier. It was so slow that it took him a while to notice, but about three weeks later, Legolas realized that he only needed the eye drops once a day now, and that he was eating meals the same size as Estel’s with only minimal panic attacks.  
He hadn’t even felt the need to cut himself in over a week.   
“Mellon nin?”  
Legolas realized that he’d frozen in place as the thought struck him. Thinking he needed help, Estel put an arm around his waist and helped him sit down. “Are you feeling strong enough to walk? We could sit in the tree instead if you’re prefer.”  
“No, I’m fine Estel. Really, I just realized that this isn’t as bad as it was at first.”  
The man rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “I told you so, you stubborn elf. Do you believe me now?”  
“Maybe.” It also made him wonder how much else he could believe. Estel had consistently insisted that he’d never stop loving Legolas. So far, the prince hadn’t been able to believe it, but what if it was true?  
“What are you thinking?”  
“I… do you really promise, Estel? I mean truly promise that nothing could ever, ever make you stop loving me?”  
“I truly promise, gwador. I will never stop loving you, no matter what.”  
Legolas stared into his friend’s wide, sincere eyes, and found himself smiling.   
“Do you believe me now?”  
“I… I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe not yet, at least not fully… but I think my belief that you’ll break your promise is faltering.”  
“I’ll take that. It’s progress, gwador, you do realize that, right?”  
Legolas nodded, his lips stretching into a wider smile that felt slightly unnatural, but good all the same. Now, it was Estel who stopped in his tracks. “What?”  
“I hardly ever see you smile anymore. It’s good to see.”  
In that moment, Legolas resolved to smile more, for his friend’s sake if nothing else. They walked outside arm in arm.   
“Something else you should consider, in your deliberations over whether I’d ever be foolish enough to stop loving you.”  
“What’s that?”  
“When have I ever broken my word to you?” Estel asked softly.  
Legolas averted his eyes. “You never have, Estel. I’m sorry I can’t stop doubting.”  
“No, don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Just consider it. I don’t make promises lightly, you know. And I mean this one more than I’ve ever meant anything.”  
It was certainly something to consider. The two of them ambled to the edge of the boundary for their daily check. Legolas had gained much of his strength back, and could walk for long periods now.  
Neither he nor Estel noticed at first that they’d walked past the usual point where the barrier stopped them. He was tugged to a halt by Estel’s arm in his when the man stopped.  
“This… this is further than we’ve been able to go before.”  
He was right. Legolas bit back a sudden surge of fear. “You are correct.” He hoped that it was just a glitch, that the barrier had moved further out, but a little investigation showed this wasn’t the case. For some reason, the barrier had fallen, or been taken down.  
Legolas was trembling too badly to stand anymore, and grabbed Estel as his legs gave way.  
“Hey, what is it?” Estel lowered him to the ground, his face set in concern.  
“I don’t want to go.” Legolas realized he was hyperventilating, something that hadn’t happened in days, but he couldn’t stop it.  
“Why not, mellon nin? I need to get you to Imladris as soon as possible. You will be able to recover there much better than you can here.”  
Legolas shook his head, unable to speak as panic smothered him. Fortunately, Estel knew what to do by now, and didn’t expect him to talk. Legolas felt himself being carried inside, and being in the familiar bedroom of the cabin helped his panic somewhat. Estel grabbed some herbs he always kept prepared by the bedside. Legolas had long ago stopped resisting herbs, and chewed them eagerly.  
When the calming effect kicked in, he slumped back on the bed, exhausted by the sudden attack.   
“There you go, that’s better. Now, tell me what went wrong? Why don’t you want to leave here?”  
“There will be others – Ada, and your family – the guards, the palace staff – they’ll all see – they’ll all know –”  
“All know what, gwador?”  
“That I’m not worth loving.” Legolas’ breathing was getting out of control again, and he grabbed Estel’s arm, desperately trying to center himself. “I had them – f-fooled before – but I’m – n-not in control now – and they’ll see –”  
He felt the tears burst forth as Estel gathered him into a familiar, comforting hug. Legolas let go, allowing himself to cry and gasp and garble out incoherent half-sentences that Estel didn’t understand.   
“Hush, mellon nin, it is alright. If you want to stay here, then we will do so until you are ready to return, alright? I still want to take you to Imladris, but that can wait until you feel able to return.”  
“Can’t – ever – they’ll k-know –”  
“Now you listen to me,” Estel said firmly. “I know my family, and I know your father. They will not stop loving you any more than I will. They will tell you that themselves when you see them, but for now, I need you to try to believe me, ok? You didn’t believe I’d still love after seeing how you’re struggling, but I’m still here, aren’t I?”  
That much was true. Legolas desperately wanted to believe him, and he knew Estel’s words made sense, but his traitorous heart told him otherwise.   
“W-want – to – s-stay.”  
“Then we will stay,” Estel assured him. “As long as you need.”  
That much, Legolas believed. He allowed himself to relax in his friend’s arms, waiting for the tears to stop. He knew by now it was easier to let them stop on their own than to try to force them away. Estel never lost patience, holding him until Legolas was calm enough to sit up. He gave his friend a nod.  
“Alright, I’m ok now, I think. What’s for lunch?”


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9  
Legolas

Legolas had barely calmed down enough to eat when things went wrong again. He was just lifting a piece of the pie Estel had made to his mouth when he heard something he hadn’t heard in weeks, except from himself. Elven footsteps.  
“Mellon nin? What is it?”  
He realized he’d stiffened, and Estel had noticed. “Someone approaches,” Legolas whispered through suddenly numb lips. Estel immediately went into a defensive stance in front of the prince, but Legolas shook his head. “Elf.”  
At those words, the man relaxed, though Legolas did anything but. They’d found him: his father’s men. They would have been searching every day since he disappeared. He just never thought they’d find this place so soon after the boundary went down. Someone started banging on the cabin door, and Legolas couldn’t help starting violently.  
“It’s ok,” Estel assured him. “It’s likely just your father’s people.”  
“Don’t let them in!” Legolas hissed desperately.  
“I have to let them in, or they’ll break the door down.”  
“They’ll make me go back with them! They’ll see me.” Legolas had long ago lost the fragile composure front he’d been keeping up at the palace, and he wasn’t ready for anyone other than Estel to see just how broken he was. The guards at the palace respected him, as undeserved as that was. The thought of losing their esteem was terrifying.   
“It’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Estel got up to answer the door, and Legolas fled to the bedroom, praying that Estel would send them away.   
He recognized Bavli’s voice, saturated with relief. “Estel Elrondion, it is good to see you. I take it the prince is with you? You’ve led us on quite a merry chase these past few weeks.”  
“I know, I’m sorry, Bavli. We were trapped here – it’s a long story – but Legolas is right here. Oh, I guess he’s in his room, then, probably taking a nap. He’s doing much better, you don’t need to worry. Hey, no, you shouldn’t disturb him –”  
Legolas didn’t have time to hide as rapid footsteps approached the door was flung open. He froze, terrified that Bavli would see it at any moment, see that his prince was a pathetic thing not worth following.   
“Legolas,” the guard breathed, a wide smile breaking out over his face. He stepped forward and clasped Legolas’ arm. “You look much better, my prince. I see time alone with Estel has agreed with you.”  
He couldn’t force himself to speak. He was too busy staring into Bavli’s eyes, waiting for it to happen.   
“My prince? Speak to me. Are you hurt?”  
Estel hurried in, stepping between them. “He’s just surprised to see you, Bavli. Look, I’m sorry to throw you out, but Legolas really needs time alone. You can tell king Thranduil that he’s safe with me, and we’ll come back to the palace when we can.”  
“I have orders from the king himself to bring the prince home at once.”  
Legolas felt the blood draining from his face. He couldn’t disobey an order from his father. Estel stepped up to his side and put an arm around him as the prince swayed.   
“We’re not ready to go back, Bavli. Legolas is still recovering, and he needs more time. You’ll just have to –”  
“No, Estel. If my father calls for me, then I will of course obey.”  
Estel lowered his voice slightly. “You don’t have to, mellon nin. Your father only wants you to be well. He’ll understand.”  
“No. We return at once.”  
It was probably better to get this over and done with anyway. Legolas wondered how long it would take his father to realize that his son wasn’t the person he’d thought he was.   
Estel turned to Bavli. “Give us an hour or so, Bavli, we just need to pack some things up. Can you scout the area while we get everything organized? There was a magical barrier that kept out any spiders or other dangers, but with that down, we can’t be too careful.”  
“Of course.” Bavli bowed and left, just in time to miss Legolas’ legs collapsing.  
Estel seemed to have expected it and caught him easily, lowering him onto the bed. “I know what you’re thinking, gwador, and it’s not true. Even when they find out everything that has been going on, the guards and palace staff will still respect you, and your father will still love you.”  
“You’re wrong.” Legolas was trembling in silent terror. “They’ll see me and they’ll know – and Ada – Ada –”  
“It’s alright, just breathe slowly for me,” Estel coaxed, pulling the prince’s head to his shoulder. Legolas gasped and tried to get his breathing under control. He only realized he was crying when Estel started wiping tears from his cheeks. “It’ll be ok, don’t worry…”  
Legolas couldn’t speak; he could only hold onto Estel, his terror making his grip so tight that he was sure he was hurting his friend, but Estel didn’t complain.   
It took the better part of an hour to get him calmed down, and by then, Legolas was so exhausted he could barely hold his head up.   
“You just lie and rest, I’ll pack our stuff. It’s not like we have much with us anyway.” Estel brushed a few strands of hair back from the prince’s face.   
Legolas thought he must have fallen asleep, because it seemed seconds later when Estel’s hand was on his shoulder, and his friend was speaking.   
“We’re ready to go. Are you sure you want to do this? I can send Bavli back with a message that you’re not well enough to move yet.”  
“No.” Legolas forced himself to sit up. “Let’s go.” He locked his knees, trying to keep them from giving out, and almost collapsed in relief when he saw that Bavli had horses. He was shaking far too badly to walk all the way back to the palace, and he did not want Estel to have to carry him.   
The ride back passed in a blur. Estel stayed close by his side, and Bavli kept shooting Legolas concerned looks, but the prince ignored him, staring straight ahead. When the guards at the gate saw who it was, Legolas saw a runner dispatched immediately, and by the time they’d entered the courtyard, his father was waiting for him, along with Elrond and the twins.  
Estel moved his horse close to Legolas’, perhaps sensing that the prince was moments away from bolting. “I’ll talk to them first. Just stay behind me. Everything will be fine.”  
Legolas found that his legs wouldn’t move, no matter how he tried to force them into action.   
“Mellon nin? What is it?” Estel was waiting for him to get off his horse.   
“I can’t,” Legolas whispered.   
“Ok, just relax, I’ll help you.”  
He did his best to relax as Estel half lifted, half dragged him off his horse. Legolas legs wouldn’t support his weight, and he would have fallen if not for Estel’s arm around him. When he looked up, Thranduil was running forward, his face set in concern.   
“Legolas! What is it, ion nin? Are you injured?”  
Estel shifted them slightly, so that Legolas was shielded by his body. “Hir nin, we need to speak to you privately, just Legolas and myself. Is there somewhere we can go?”  
“Of course. We can talk in his chambers, he looks like he needs to lie down.”  
“Good. Get these people out of here, and quickly.”  
Legolas winced, but Thranduil didn’t blink at being ordered about by his best friend’s son, his concern for the prince coming before all else.  
“Everyone back to their duties, now!” Thranduil glared around at the courtyard. “Nothing to see here. Off you go.”   
The crowd dispersed at once after one look their king’s expression. Thranduil was already in hurried conversation with Elrond, and moments later, he and the twins went inside. Estel gestured for Thranduil to do the same.   
Without the weight of eyes on him, Legolas felt slightly less panicky, but that wasn’t saying much; he was still right on the edge of either hyperventilation or tears, he didn’t know which.   
“Can you walk?” Estel asked quietly.  
“Yes.” He wasn’t going to be carried to his chambers like an infant, that would only make matters worse.   
It turned out Legolas’ legs didn’t agree, and after three attempts, Estel ignored his protests and picked him up, carrying him swiftly through the halls. As cowardly as it was, Legolas pressed his head into the side of his friend’s neck, hiding from the curious gazes that followed them.   
“Would you like me to explain things to your father, or do you want to do it?”  
“I’ll do it.” Legolas knew he had to confess his weakness, even though it meant losing his father’s love. He wouldn’t lie to someone he respected as much as he respected his king, not anymore.   
Thranduil was waiting for them in Legolas’ chambers, pacing. Estel laid the prince on the bed, sitting down onto the mattress beside him and taking his hand. The king came to the bedside at once, taking Legolas’ other hand.   
“What is wrong, Legolas? Speak to me.”  
Legolas opened his mouth to explain, but something entirely different came out. “Promise me.”  
“Promise you what, ion nin?”  
“Pro – prom –” Legolas couldn’t even finish the word as he doubled over, harsh sobs suddenly wracking his body. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t bear seeing the love and warmth leave his father’s eyes. It would kill him.  
Estel tightened his arm around the prince and spoke to Thranduil. “Promise you’ll never stop loving him.”  
“What are you talking about? Of course I will never stop loving you, Legolas. You know that.”  
“Y-y-you – w-will,” Legolas gasped, his fingers digging into Estel’s arm as he fought for control, a battle he was swiftly losing.   
“I will not! Ion nin, what makes you think that? Why would you ever doubt my love?”  
Estel waited a few moments before speaking. “Mellon nin, you are unable to talk. I am going to explain things to your father. Alright?”  
Legolas nodded jerkily, trying his best not to hyperventilate, but as Estel spoke, it was unavoidable. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his father, but kept listening for the sound of the closing door. Sooner or later, king Thranduil would realize that his son was worthless and useless, and didn’t deserve love or respect.  
When Estel finished, there was silence but for Legolas’ sobs and panicked gasps.  
The next thing he knew, he was being pulled out of Estel’s arms and into his father’s lap. Thranduil cradled him like he had when the prince had been an elfling, and Legolas found himself staring up into his father’s eyes.  
“I’m – s-sorry – A-ada,” he cried, squeezing his eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable rejection.  
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Thranduil said fiercely, pulling Legolas tightly to his chest. “I love you, ion nin, I will always love you. Nothing will ever change that, you understand?”  
Legolas could only shake his head. He could change it. His own unworthiness would make itself too obvious to ignore, sooner or later.   
“He doesn’t believe you,” Estel explained quietly. “He doesn’t even believe me yet, though I’ve at least made some progress convincing him I won’t change my mind. It took several weeks, though. Just give it time, hir nin.”  
Thranduil nodded, and turned back to Legolas. “Hush, ion nin, I love you. Everything will be ok. As soon as you are well enough to travel, you will go to Imladris, where you will get better.”  
The words were like a knife in Legolas’ heart. His father was lying. He didn’t want Legolas around, he wanted to get rid of him, to send him away.  
“Legolas? What is it?”  
He was starting to get dizzy, and Legolas knew he needed to slow his breathing, but his body wouldn’t cooperate.  
Estel was suddenly there, lifting his chin, forcing Legolas to look at him. “What is it? Tell me?”  
Legolas started to struggle, and Thranduil released him at once. Estel grabbed him before the prince hit the floor and pulled him back to the bed. Legolas scrambled to his friend’s other side, out of his father’s line of vision. He truly was pathetic, hiding behind another like a frightened child.  
“In and out, that’s right,” Estel coached, rubbing some lavender oil onto Legolas’ temples. “Slower. Just look at me. Think about me. I promise, I will never stop loving you, no matter what. I am here for you, mellon nin. Just let yourself calm down.”  
Legolas huddled into Estel’s arms, trying his best to get control of himself. They’d done this enough times by now that eventually, he got caught up in the familiar ritual. His breathing slowed, and the room stopped spinning.  
“Now, tell me what’s wrong?”  
“He’s lying,” Legolas whispered. “He doesn’t love me, he wants to get rid of me.”  
Swift footsteps were his only warning as Thranduil moved himself to the other side of the bed, so that he and Legolas were once more face to face. “That is not true, Legolas. I only want you to be well, and Imladris is where you will best recover. I don’t want to get rid of you – in fact, I’m coming with you.”  
He stared at his father in disbelief. “T-to Imladris?”  
“Yes, to Imladris. You didn’t really think I’d leave you in such a state, did you?”  
“Promise him,” Estel prompted. “He needs to hear it.”  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you.” Thranduil reached for the prince’s hand again. “I will say it as many times as you need, until you finally believe me.”  
“N-n-n –”  
“Yes, Legolas, yes. I will always love you. I am your father, how could I do any different?”  
So that was why. Duty. Of course, Thranduil had always believed in duty. It was the duty of a parent to love their child, no matter how worthless that child was.  
“I know that you’re thinking, that’s not the only reason.” Estel was getting better and better at reading his expressions every day, and his friend shook Legolas slightly. “Your father loves you for you, mellon nin, not just because you are his son. You need to be very clear, hir nin. He’s scared to believe and will take any reason not to.”  
Thranduil sighed, though he seemed sad rather than frustrated. “Come here, Legolas.”  
Legolas did his best to obey, only able to crawl in his current state. Thranduil once more pulled the prince into his lap, leaning back and getting comfortable. “There are many reasons I love you. I love how caring you are – you’ll always work to help someone, no matter who they are. I love your dedication, how when you put your mind to something, you’ll give it your all until you accomplish it. I love…”  
He went on for what had to be over an hour. The number of things Thranduil thought up to love about Legolas was truly surprising. Every now and then, the prince glanced at Estel, who nodded encouragingly.   
“Believe him,” the man murmured every once in a while. “It’s true, I feel the same.”  
Legolas didn’t agree with half of the positive things his father said about him, but he listened quietly, his tears slowly drying up, his tremors calming, until he lay peacefully in his Ada’s arms, listening raptly.   
He still struggled to believe, but the very fact that his father was sitting here patiently, reciting a very, very long list of things he loved about his son was enough for now. It was enough to quiet some of Legolas’ doubt and let him start to hope that maybe, he could trust Thranduil’s promise of love after all.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
Legolas

Legolas felt himself falling asleep, and fought it. His king was speaking to him, he couldn’t fall asleep!  
“It’s alright, ion nin. You can rest. You need it. I will be here when you wake.”  
Those words were all he needed to drift off. Legolas stirred slightly when someone lifted him and tucked him into bed, but was quickly pulled under again by sleep.  
When he woke, the sun had moved in the sky, but his father and Estel were still exactly where he remembered. Legolas blinked up at them. “A-ada?”  
“I am here, ion nin. Do you need anything?”  
“Promise me,” he whispered, his eyes slipping closed, bracing for the worst.  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you. Don’t give me that look, I mean it, and I will not change my mind.”  
In that moment, Thranduil sounded so much like Estel had in recent weeks that Legolas almost laughed. “Has Estel been giving you lessons?”  
“Perhaps. Though I hardly need lessons in how to love my son, only in how to convince him of that.”  
Legolas nodded. “I’m sorry I’m being so much trouble, Ada.”  
“You are no trouble, ion nin. I want only your health and happiness. I’m just glad Estel has been able to help you. We will leave for Imladris tomorrow, if you are well enough, and continue the healing process there, for as long as necessary.”  
“The kingdom –”  
“I will leave someone I trust in charge, as I always do. Do not worry for Greenwood. You are more important. Now, the twins and Lord Elrond are eager to see you. I fear Elladan and Elrohir will find some devious way to get to you if I don’t let them in soon. May I?”  
“Yes,” Legolas mumbled, though he tensed at his father’s words. More people to disappoint, more people who would in the end only decide they didn’t love him.  
Thranduil was already getting up to open the door, but Estel remained by his side. “It will be ok, mellon nin, you will see. They will make the same promise Thranduil did, and you know that the twins and Ada always keep their promises.”  
Legolas did know that, but he could hardly blame them for breaking this one. There was no more time to talk; the door burst open. Elladan and Elrohir hurried in, followed by Lord Elrond. The three of them crowded around his bedside, Elrond grabbing his sons by the elbows, because they looked like they were about to physically pounce on the prince.  
“Legolas!”  
“We’ve been so worried!”  
“How are you?”  
“Do you need anything?”  
“Hush, you two, give him a moment to breathe.” Elrond gave Legolas a kind smile. “Thranduil has filled us in. I believe we have a promise to make you.”  
“You don’t need to.” Legolas found himself suddenly unable to meet the elf lord’s eyes. “I’m just being stupid.”  
“Stupid or not, I will never stop loving you, penneth, I promise. You are as good as a son to me, and that will never change. You understand?”  
Legolas squeezed his eyes shut as a few tears leaked out, and allowed Elrond to pull him into a firm hug.   
“I promise I will never stop loving you,” he murmured. “You will come to believe me in time, I swear it.”  
Legolas found himself looking to the twins, anxiety rising in his throat. Before he could panic, Elladan spoke.  
“As do I, mellon nin. I will never stop loving you, I promise.”  
“I promise, Legolas,” Elrohir echoed. “Nothing could ever stop me from loving you. We will discuss the consequences of your idiocy later, of course.”  
Thranduil was on his feet at once. “You will not speak unkindly to my son, Elrondion!”  
Elrond made a subtle gesture, and Thranduil seemed to check himself from clobbering Elrohir right there, but he was still silently fuming.   
Elladan continued his brother’s thought as though he didn’t have an enraged elven king glowering over his shoulder. “We knew you were dim, Legolas, but even we didn’t realize you’d be stupid enough to think we would ever stop loving you.”  
“But we have a solution! Once we’re through with you, we will have fully demonstrated how ridiculous that is. I sent a message back to Imladris, telling them to start preparing things. What was it we ordered again, Elladan?”  
“About a hundred toads, a gallon of pink dye with glitter in it, two barrels of stink bombs, fifteen false bows, ten exploding targets stuffed with feathers, five different types of glue, two of which are ingestible…”  
Legolas couldn’t help it. He laughed. It was the first time he’d laughed in as long as he could remember, and it felt good. Thranduil, who had looked on the verge of bloody murder, stayed his hand at his son’s sudden good cheer.  
“I will protect you,” Estel murmured, his lips twitching.  
“The more the merrier! It has been too long since we had you hanging from Ada’s balcony by your feet, little brother.” Elrohir winked at him.   
“Alright you two,” Elrond chuckled. “Go plot your chaos, and while you’re at it, make sure the horses are ready for tomorrow. I agree with your father, Legolas, we should leave for Imladris as soon as possible. You are of course welcome to stay as long as you’d like.”  
Legolas nodded. The sooner he got away from the people at the palace, the fewer people he’d have to disappoint with his behavior.   
“Thanks, Ada. Now, if you don’t mind, Legolas and I have a routine to keep.”  
“Estel, we don’t need to… I have duties here.”  
“Not until you’re better, you don’t,” Thranduil said firmly. “You do whatever Estel and Elrond tell you.”  
“Speaking of which, I’d like to hear more about your treatment plan, Estel. It seems like you’ve done an excellent job so far.”  
“Sure, I wanted to discuss it with you anyway.”  
Legolas didn’t follow as Estel and Elrond went through his routine and the specifics of what teas the prince was given every day. He was deep in thought, wondering just how much of what he’d heard today he could believe. As desperately as he wanted to believe, he couldn’t trust the promises, at least not yet. Maybe with time…  
When he next looked up, Legolas found that Thranduil and Elrond had left, and Estel was speaking to him.  
“Mellon nin? It’s nearly time for dinner. Do you want to eat here, or in your father’s private dining hall?”  
Legolas would dearly love to keep hiding here with Estel, but he knew his father had been worried sick about him. The least he could do was brave the short walk to the dining hall to share a meal with him. He knew that Estel would have the halls cleared of curious eyes if he asked, but that would be truly pathetic, so he resisted the urge to mention it.  
“I’ll eat with Ada. It’ll be just us, right?”  
“And Elrond and the twins, if that’s ok.”  
“I assumed as much. I don’t think anything is going to keep the twins away from me, not now that they’ve finally found me,” Legolas admitted, not entirely displeased by the idea.   
It should have been simple. Just walk to the dining hall. Of course, things had to go wrong. A number of guards and servants stopped to say how pleased they were that Legolas was back and that he looked to be doing better. He did his best to nod and smile, hoping it was enough.  
When Veria, another one of the guards, stopped him, Legolas thought it would be more of the same. Instead of a smile, he was greeted with a snarl.   
“It’s your fault!” she spat.  
Estel immediately tried to get between them, but Veria snatched his arm and flung him away, sending him crashing into a wall.  
“My brother died because of you!” Veria shrieked at Legolas. “While you were off on holiday, our patrol was left short, and now he’s dead!”  
Her words pierced Legolas like a dagger of ice. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry.”  
He was vaguely aware of Estel leaping to his feet and making an angry response, but Legolas was already running, running from Veria’s accusing gaze. She was right. He only hurt people and got them killed. Who would miss him, really? It would be better for everyone if he was dead.   
Estel was running after him, of course, but this wasn’t like the last time. Thanks to the regular meals his friend had been forcing on him, Legolas had gained back much of his strength. He leapt out of the nearest open window and ran through the grounds. He knew exactly where he was going.   
The enchanted stream would put him to sleep the moment he touched it. All he needed to do was pile rocks in his pockets to make sure he sank, and no one would be able to find him to pull him out before he drowned.   
Though he felt terror, Legolas also felt relief. It would finally be over. He’d known all along that he wasn’t worth loving, that he should be dead. Trying to bludgeon himself into believing otherwise was too exhausting. He just wanted to rest, wanted it all to end.   
Legolas reached the stream and started scrabbling around for rocks. He knew Estel would be close behind him, and the man would do anything to stop him. It only took a few minutes for Legolas to get enough rocks to weigh down a horse. He staggered slightly, struggling to bear the added weight.  
If he walked into the stream, he could fall backward onto the bank when he passed out, and that wouldn’t do. He needed to get directly into the middle of it. Legolas quickly found a tree with an overhanging branch and dragged himself onto it.  
“Legolas, stop! Saes, mellon nin!”  
Estel had found him already. Legolas didn’t look, but he heard hooves. Oh, he should have thought of getting a horse himself. No matter. Once he was in the water, Estel wouldn’t be able to retrieve him, not without killing himself.   
“I’m sorry,” Legolas whispered, knowing his friend was still too far away to hear him. “I just can’t anymore, Estel.”  
Then he let go of the branch and let himself fall sideways directly into the middle of the stream.   
Legolas hit the water with a splash.  
He sank like the stones he was carrying. Wait, why was he still awake? The stream was supposed to put him to sleep!  
Don’t struggle, he told himself firmly, even as his body automatically started to clamor for air. If he could only stay down for long enough, he would drown just the same, whether or not he fell asleep. He just needed to ignore his brain’s pleas to take the stones out of his pockets.  
The peaceful underwater world was broken by a crashing sound. Another body was suddenly with him, and Legolas’ mind flared with panic. What was Estel doing! If the stream worked as it was supposed to on humans, his friend would die.  
Estel swam down to him and grabbed Legolas’ arms. The prince could have sighed in relief that his friend wasn’t falling asleep, but he had no air with which to do so. He shook his head, staring desperately at Estel, pleading with his eyes. No, let me go. Please.  
Estel yanked at him and started pulling the stones out of his pockets. Legolas tried to fight him, but his chest was burning and his vision was flickering. He’d been under a lot longer than Estel he hadn’t even taken a breath before jumping, as the man no doubt would have. Legolas had in fact expelled all the breath he could.  
The last thing Legolas was aware of was his lungs finally giving up and gasping in a breath of water as Estel’s hands tore stones out of his pockets.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
Aragorn

Aragorn didn’t know whether to be terrified or relieved when Legolas stopped fighting him and went limp. His chest bursting for air, he pulled out the last of the stones, got a grip on the elf’s waist and pushed up off the bottom. He gasped in a great breath as he made it to the top, quickly pulling Legolas’ head above the water.  
It was a good thing he hadn’t had a chance to tell the prince that Mithrandir had managed to remove the sleeping spell from the stream temporarily. The wizard had warned that such interference with the stream’s magic would only make it stronger in the long run, but Thranduil had judged it wise given Legolas’ condition, and told him to go ahead.   
Aragorn got them to the shore and pressed his head to Legolas’ chest. The prince’s heart wasn’t beating.  
“No, Legolas, saes, do not leave me!”  
He started compressing his friend’s chest, breathing air into his mouth every ten compressions. Aragorn felt as though his heart had also stopped. He lost himself in the timeless agony of trying to resuscitate his best friend, not knowing if he’d ever see those blue eyes again.  
A wet spluttering noise announced Legolas’ return. Aragorn hauled the elf onto his side, almost crying in relief. He slapped Legolas’ back hard, helping him get all the water out of his lungs.  
Almost as soon as he was breathing again, Legolas started struggling to get free, trying to crawl back to the river. “Let m-me – go – Estel,” Legolas said between coughs, writhing like a maniac in the man’s grip.   
His desperation sent shards of pain wracking through Aragorn’s heart. “No, mellon nin.” He bit back tears as he held the prince firmly. “I am not letting you do that.”  
“Please, Estel.” Legolas started crying, and Aragorn couldn’t hold back the tears now dripping down his own cheeks. “It’ll be better for everyone. I’m not worth it.”  
“You are worth it! Veria is grieving, gwador, you should not take her words to heart. I love you, and nothing will change that, I promise. I will not let you die.”  
“I don’t deserve it, Estel, just let me die, I want to die!”  
Aragorn grabbed Legolas’ shoulders and pulled his friend against his chest, embracing him even as he struggled. “You deserve to live, and be loved, I promise you. I know you are in pain, but you have to trust me. Please.”  
Legolas seemed to realize he wasn’t going to escape and finally stopped trying, though Aragorn still kept a firm grip on him just in case. The elf went limp, his eyes dull even as tears flowed freely. This, at least, Aragorn knew how to deal with. He held Legolas’ head to his chest, wrapping his arms tenderly around his friend.  
“I love you, it’s alright, we’re going to be fine,” he murmured, letting the prince cry. “Hold onto me. Let me help you. You’re in pain, mellon nin, let me in.”  
It didn’t take long. Legolas was too weakened – physically and emotionally – to resist, and he soon lost the dull look in his eyes. It was replaced with an expression of utter misery that was heartbreaking to see, but Aragorn knew it was better this than let him hide his pain or give up.   
Legolas wrapped his arms around Aragorn’s back, squeezing so tightly that some of the man’s joints made cracking noises as they were compressed, but he didn’t complain, holding back just as tightly.   
“You scared me, mellon nin,” Aragorn murmured. “I don’t want to lose you.”  
“I – I – I’m – s-s-sorry – E-Estel –”  
“I know, it’s ok. Do not worry over it. I love you, gwador. I am just relieved you are safe.”  
That was how king Thranduil found them – both soaked through, Legolas sobbing desperately into his friend’s chest as the man rocked him gently.   
He leapt off his horse and ran forward, skidding to a halt and falling to his knees in front of them.   
“Legolas! Are you hurt, ion nin?”  
There was no response, other than an increase in the intensity of Legolas’ crying, and a scrabbling to get a better grip on Aragorn’s tunic, as though he was afraid his friend would push him away.  
“Tell him,” Aragorn mouthed at the king.  
Thranduil understood at once and put a hand on Legolas’ shoulder. “I love you, ion nin. I promise, I will always love you, no matter what you do or what happens to you. I know what happened with Veria. She was wrong, and she will see that in time.”  
He started stroking Legolas’ back, giving Aragorn a worried look. “How long will he be like this?”  
“It depends, but after what happened, I think several hours at least.”  
“We can’t leave him in his wet clothes for that long, he’ll catch a fever.”  
Elves weren’t usually susceptible to fevers, but with Legolas’ mind and body so weakened, Aragorn knew that Thranduil may well be right.  
“Let’s give him a bit more time. He’s not ready to move right now.”  
As he’d expected, Legolas didn’t calm down for some time, and became near-hysterical when Aragorn tried to so much as move a few feet from him. Eventually, Thranduil helped lift Aragorn onto his horse while the man was still holding his friend. He handed the reins over to the king, holding Legolas sidesaddle, with the prince still curled into his chest.   
Thranduil started leading them back to the palace, while Aragorn did his best to comfort his friend. Legolas had shown no sign of calming down by the time they reached the palace, not that Aragorn had expected him to.   
They rushed through the halls so fast that no one had a chance to question them. Thranduil started handing Aragorn dry clothes, but getting Legolas into them wasn’t going to be easy. “Give us some time alone, hir nin, I think that’ll be best.”  
Thranduil nodded. “I will be just outside, call if you need me, Estel.”  
Aragorn perched on a chair, not wanting to get the bed soaked. “Legolas.”  
The prince didn’t respond, still sobbing desperately into his neck. He tried again. “Mellon nin, I need to get us both changed out of these wet clothes.”  
A shaky nod.  
“I’m going to need to let go of you for a few minutes to do it.”  
Frantic shaking of his head.   
Aragorn sighed. “Just for a few minutes, gwador, I swear. You’re going to get sick if you don’t get out of those wet things.” No response, other than continued tears. “I’m going to get sick if I don’t get out of these went things,” he tried.  
At this, Legolas tensed, and very reluctantly, eased himself back. “That’s right,” Aragorn coaxed. “I’m just going to put you down on this chair, alright? I’ll have us both dressed warmly in no time. I promise I won’t leave, and I will never stop loving you.”  
He managed to get Legolas into the chair, and raced to get his wet clothes off. Taking the prince’s clothes off took slightly longer, because Legolas had curled himself into a ball and his body was reluctant to uncurl. Aragorn finally managed it, and tossed the wet clothes aside. He hurriedly dressed himself first, then turned to Legolas.  
In the few seconds it had taken him to put the clothes on, Legolas had started hyperventilating. “You’re ok, mellon nin, I’m right here,” he said distractedly as he pulled the prince’s arms through a soft tunic. “Stand up now to get these pants on.”  
Legolas wobbled dangerously, but Aragorn managed to catch him before he toppled. Finally, the pants were on too, and Aragorn snatched a towel before hurrying his friend to the bed. Just in time, too, because Legolas collapsed two steps away from it.   
A few quick movements had them both under a thick pile of covers. Legolas attached himself to Aragorn once more, which was to the man’s liking. They could share more warmth this way.   
“Breathe slowly, mellon nin, everything is alright now. Slow down.”  
He managed to reach over to the dresser and pull out the lavender oil. It took longer than usual for the familiar ritual to calm Legolas’ breathing, and even when it did, he still wept a river of tears, not that that was unexpected.  
“Come, lie against me like this. I want to dry your hair.” Legolas eagerly pressed his face into its familiar position against Aragorn’s chest and let the man dry his hair. He threw the towel aside when he was done, enfolding Legolas deeper into his embrace.  
When Legolas’ sobs had slowed enough for him to speak, Aragorn prompted him. “Tell me what you’re thinking, gwador.”  
“You should have let me die,” Legolas whispered. “I deserve it. No one loves me, as they shouldn’t. I’m despicable.”  
“You are not despicable and you do not deserve to die. I love you, and I promise I always will. Do I need to get your father in here to tell you the same?”  
Legolas nodded against his chest, and Aragorn raised his voice. “Thranduil! We need you in here.”  
The door burst open and Thranduil hurried inside. “Legolas? What is it?”  
Legolas was too busy gasping for breath to speak, so Aragorn answered for him. “He needs to hear it again.”  
“I love you, ion nin, and that will never change, I promise,” Thranduil answered at once. He leaned over and started untangling the prince’s messy hair. “I am so relieved you are alive, even though I know you aren’t happy about that at present. My world would be a dark place without you, Legolas. You are my light and my joy.”  
Aragorn gave the king a smile of approval. It seemed these were just the words Legolas needed to hear, because very slowly, his tears halted, and he even turned his head to give his father a shaky smile. At that smile, Thranduil’s whole face lit up.   
“You should get some sleep, ion nin. If Elrond says you’re well enough to leave tomorrow, then I want to head for Imladris as planned.”  
“W-will you stay with me tonight, Ada?” Legolas’ voice sounded so small, and his face was set in a the familiar cringe, the one he had every time he expected to be rejected.   
“Of course, Legolas. As long as Estel doesn’t mind sharing a bed with the two of us.”  
“I don’t mind,” Aragorn said at once. Time with his father was probably exactly what Legolas needed. “I can leave you two alone, if you’d like. I do have my own chambers here.”  
Legolas breath hitched in panic and he clutched at Aragorn’s tunic. “Never mind,” the man said quickly. “This bed is plenty big enough for three. Now Legolas, I know you will not like this, but you haven’t had supper.”  
Legolas groaned. “Not tonight, Estel, please.”  
“Just a piece of lembas. Half a piece,” he bargained.   
“Fine,” the prince muttered sourly.   
Aragorn didn’t expect the food to go down easily, and he was right. Legolas almost choked when his hyperventilation caused him to inhale some lembas crumbs, and then he cried so hard he would have thrown up had he not been given some strong roots to chew on to ease the nausea.   
By the end of the meal, Thranduil was looking almost as distressed as Legolas, and Aragorn resisted the urge to hug the elven king, sure it wouldn’t be welcomed.   
“That’s it for tonight, mellon nin. We can get back to your schedule properly once we’re back in Imladris. For now, I think sleep is best. I need to get up for a bit to make your sleeping tea.”  
“No need.” With his uncanny ability to know whenever a patient needed him, Elrond entered the room, holding a steaming mug of tea. “I made a few modifications to your recipe, Estel. I’ll tell you about them on the ride tomorrow.”  
Legolas gulped the tea eagerly and was asleep in minutes. Almost as exhausted as his friend, Aragorn flopped down beside him, quickly giving himself over to sleep.  
The next morning was a flurry of activity. Both Aragorn and Elrond pronounced Legolas fit to travel. Legolas was eager to go, but he was still severely shaken by what had happened, bursting into tears at over the smallest thing. As distressing as this was, Aragorn preferred it to the alternative. At least Legolas wasn’t trying to hide himself again.  
Thranduil had made sure that Veria was far away when they walked down to the stables. Apparently, she’d felt terrible after she heard what happened and wanted to apologize, but Aragorn had decided Legolas wasn’t ready to face her again. That could wait until they got back, whenever that was.  
Legolas managed to talk them out of making him ride double with someone, and since he was at least steady on his feet, Aragorn allowed it. Elrond would usually take the lead in cases like this, but since Aragorn had been Legolas’s sole healer for so long, the elf lord let him continue in that capacity, though he observed closely and spoke up if he had a suggestion.   
The first part of the ride went well, but it didn’t remain so. Aragorn could see that Legolas was rapidly deteriorating from within. He called an early halt for lunch and hurried to his friend’s side.   
“What is it, mellon nin?”  
“Don’t like this,” Legolas mumbled, gesturing around vaguely.   
“Don’t like what? Travelling? We can go back…”  
The prince shook his head. “I want to go to Imladris. It’s just so… open. The day. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”  
Aragorn understood. “You’re struggling without your routine.”  
Legolas thought for a moment, then nodded.   
“We can go slower. We can’t stick to your full routine, but we can keep pieces of it, at least.”  
“No, I want to get to Imladris. You’re right, Estel, I’ll heal better there. Please, let’s just ride fast and get this journey through as quickly as possible.”  
“Alright, but you let me know if you change your mind.”  
“I’ll cope,” Legolas breathed. Aragorn didn’t like the look in the prince’s eyes and turned to consult with his father. In the moment he looked away, Legolas moved.   
Aragorn spun around in time to see Elrohir wrestling a sharp rock out of Legolas’ hand. His friend must have been sitting on it, and had wasted no time taking it to his wrist, leaving a deep cut.  
“No, mellon nin.” Aragorn fought the urge to shout in frustration. Not this again, he’d thought they were past this! “Come here, let me see it.”  
“I told you I’d cope. This is how I cope.”  
“Not anymore,” Aragorn said firmly. “Not like this.” They were going to have to watch Legolas very, very carefully on the coming journey. Elrond silently handed him supplies, and the man started cleaning and stitching the wound with practiced movements.   
Legolas winced, but refused herbs for the pain. That much was normal for him. Aragorn was just glad he’d managed to convince his friend to take the other medicines he offered, ones that were far more necessary than a few pain killers.  
Of course, the cutting always made Legolas feel better, and Aragorn still didn’t know if that was a good or a bad thing. The prince became almost cheerful, and they made good time for the rest of the day. When the stopped for the night, the entire party watched Legolas like hawks.   
He had two people – usually Aragorn and Thranduil – flanking him at all times. They got through supper without mishap, surprisingly, but then Legolas was set off by his bedroll, which was tied too tightly for him to unroll easily.  
He burst into frustrated tears, throwing it across the clearing. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll get it.” Elladan made quick work of the knots and laid the bedroll down next to Aragorn’s. Aragorn helped the weeping prince into it, and crawled in with him, holding him close.  
“S-sorry – know – s-stupid –”  
“I know it is not the bedroll you are crying about, mellon nin. That is just what set it off. Do not worry about it. I will always love you, no matter what, I promise.”  
“I’ll always love you even if you throw your bedroll in the fire,” Elladan chimed in.  
“I’ll love you if you throw my bedroll in the fire.” Elrohir grinned at his twin, glad to have outdone him, but Elladan wouldn’t let it stand.  
“Oh yeah? Well I’d still love him if he threw me in the fire.”  
“I’d love him if he set the Last Homely House on fire.”  
They continued to make increasingly ridiculous claims, not stopping until Legolas finally laughed. Aragorn joined in. It was good to have his brothers with him. Legolas could certainly use some more laughter in his life right now.   
For the first time since this had all started, when Legolas went to sleep, there was a smile on his lips.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
Legolas

“How are you doing?” Estel asked quietly.  
Legolas shrugged, earning a frown from his friend.  
“Do not shut me out, mellon nin, it does not end well. You know this.”  
He did, and Legolas reluctantly tried to put his thoughts into words. “I… I’m not sure I want to do this anymore, Estel.”  
“Go to Imladris? You know that’s the best chance for you to heal.”  
“No, that’s not what I mean…” Legolas closed his eyes, trying to maintain control of himself. Once he got started crying it could go on for hours, and that kind of delay would just make this stupid trip last even longer.   
“Then what do you mean, gwador?” Estel put an arm around the prince, leading him slightly away from the others, who were tactful enough to pretend not to hear their conversation.  
“For a while, I was wondering if maybe it would be better for me to let you to help you. To heal, to live. I – I don’t think I want that anymore.”  
He’d barely finished speaking when Estel pulled him into a hug. Legolas bit his lip. He would not cry, he would not.   
“These have been a very rough few days for you,” Estel said gently. “Of course your mental state is going to regress somewhat. When we get to Imladris, we’ll get back to your routine, and you’ll start to feel better, just like you did before.”  
Legolas shook his head. “I don’t want to.”  
“You don’t want to feel better?”  
“Don’t… don’t want to live.”  
Estel’s arms tightened around him. “I know. I hear you, gwador, but I also need you to hear me. This is temporary. You will not always feel like this, I promise. You deserve to live, and I will stay with you through all of it. I will never stop loving you, I swear, mellon nin.”  
How did Estel always know just the right thing to say? Legolas took a shaky breath. He still didn’t believe Estel, but his friend’s reassurance had helped him come up with the strength to face the day. He got through breakfast alright, and soon they headed off, Estel on his right and Thranduil on his left.   
Legolas wasn’t really paying attention, but when the other horses came to a halt, his did too. He glanced up to find the elves around him tense. “What is it?”  
“Orcs approach,” Thranduil said shortly. “Estel, you ride ahead with Legolas. The rest of us will take care of this.”  
Elrond and the twins nodded their approval of this plan, but Legolas wasn’t having it. “No. I’m not an invalid, I can fight!”  
“Not today,” Estel said firmly. “You’re in no state for it, mellon nin.”  
From the way his friend was speaking, Legolas recognized that it was his mental state they were worried about. Well, he couldn’t contradict them there, but he wasn’t going to leave his friends and family to face a threat alone. Paying more attention now, he estimated the orcs’ numbers at about thirty, easy enough for their party of six experienced warriors to handle.   
“Come on, Legolas, let’s go.” Estel tried to get hold of his horse’s bit, but Legolas jerked the mount away. “Give me my weapons, Estel. I am fighting.”  
The orcs were almost upon them, and there was no time to argue.  
Estel exchanged a worried look with Elrond, but neither of them could get close to Legolas, not when he backed his horse away from their advances. “Give me your word, then, that you will return the weapons directly after the battle, without using them on yourself.”  
“Done.” Legolas didn’t need them to harm himself anyway. The road they travelled was littered with sharp things; any of them would do, and would be easier to hide than his knives.   
Estel reluctantly handed him his bow and knives. Legolas smiled, glad to feel them in his hands again. There was no more time for discussion; the orcs burst into the clearing they were currently stopped at.   
Legolas lost himself in shooting and killing orcs, but he hadn’t trained in weeks and was unused to battle. His arms quickly tired, shaking and making his aim falter, and he tossed his bow aside in favor of his knives.  
The moment of distraction was all it took. An orc slammed into him, knocking him off his horse. Legolas managed to land on his feet, his knives clutched in both hands. The orc was driving a short sword straight toward his chest.  
He knew what to do. It would be easy to parry with one of his knives, spin around and stab the orc in the back.  
It would also be easy, so easy, to do nothing. To let the swing complete, cutting into his heart.  
Wouldn’t it be better? Legolas was so tired of fighting. A split second before the blade pierced his chest, he closed his eyes, and felt a smile lifting his lips. This was finally the end.   
The blade bit into his chest, but not as deeply as he expected. Before it had gotten through more than an inch of flesh, it was ripped away. Legolas opened his eyes to see that Estel had tackled the orc and swiftly finished it off. The silence around him told the prince that the other orcs were dead too.  
Estel barreled into him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking them hard. “What’s wrong with you, Legolas! How could you just stand there?”  
Legolas felt his unwilling eyes filling with tears. Estel’s anger instantly vanished, and he wrapped his arms around his friend, pulling the elf’s head to his shoulder.  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted,” he murmured. “I was just so scared, I thought I was going to lose you.”  
“Why?” Legolas let out a mournful sob, feeling his legs desert him, but Estel was ready to take his weight.  
“Because an orc was in the process of stabbing you in the chest, mellon nin. What happened? I’ve never seen you freeze in battle like that.”  
Estel didn’t understand, and Legolas knew he shouldn’t clarify the question, but he found himself doing so anyway. “Why did you stop it?”  
“Oh,” Estel said softly. He tightened his grip, lowering them both to the ground. “I did it because I love you.”  
“If you truly loved me, you would let me go! You would not make me suffer like this.”  
Estel didn’t reply other than to kiss his forehead, holding him as he cried.   
“I g-give – up,” Legolas sobbed. “Just – l-leave m-me – alone – Estel, I c-c-can’t do – t-this anymore.”  
“You may have given up on yourself, but I will never give up on you, mellon nin. I will always love you and fight for you.”  
Legolas tried to wrench himself free, but Estel wouldn’t let go of him. Giving up even on this, he let himself flop aimlessly in his friend’s grip, not trying to stop the tears, not trying to stabilize his breathing. He just didn’t care anymore.   
“Breathe for me, mellon nin. Slow down.”  
Legolas ignored Estel’s voice, not making any effort with his breathing. He didn’t want to exist. Why were they forcing him? Not even orcs were this cruel. Legolas clamped his arms around his head, trying to squash the awful emotional turmoil out of existence, but his skull stubbornly resisted.  
“Legolas? Speak to me.”  
He just shook his head, and Estel seemed to accept this. The man lowered the two of them to the ground, pulling Legolas into the familiar position on his lap. Legolas knew he didn’t deserve his friend’s concern or aid, but he was unable to escape them, and the lure was too great.  
He hesitantly wrapped his arms around Estel, as the man whispered the words Legolas needed to hear. “I promise, I will always love you.” How was it that even when he didn’t believe them, these words had become a comfort?  
“H-hurts – t-to m-m-much,” he whispered. “P-please…”  
“Give me your pain, mellon nin. I can take it. You do not need to suffer alone.”  
Legolas was starting to feel lightheaded as he gasped in way too much air. Unable to speak, he could do nothing but hold onto Estel as the man rocked him and murmured soothing words. What had Legolas ever done to deserve a friend such as this? He stared up at Estel, half-expecting him to vanish at any moment, a cruel joke. Why would anyone care for him? Why?  
“I love you, mellon nin,” Estel murmured.   
Legolas squeezed his eyes shut, sure that the man would take it back. Estel’s arms tightened around him, and he realized that his sobs were so loud they were echoing around the clearing. He clung onto his friend, as he had been doing almost since the moment Estel arrived at Greenwood.  
“How long until he calms down?” Thranduil asked softly.  
“The rest of the day, most likely. Though it may take longer than that to convince him too cooperate again. I’m not sure if we should stop or continue. Ada?”  
Legolas didn’t look up as Elrond spoke. “I say we continue, Estel. You will ride with Legolas?”  
“Of course.”  
Legolas didn’t bother to resist as he was pulled onto a horse. At least Estel knew better than to try to get him to eat right now. Not only would he refuse, but he was crying so hard he would likely choke. On second thoughts, maybe eating would be a good idea. Legolas only wanted an end for this agony.  
The horses set off at a gallop. Legolas was seated in front of Estel, the man’s arms firm around his waist.   
“Just l-let me d-die, Estel,” Legolas cried. “Please. I w-want – t-to die.”  
“I will not, gwador.” Estel’s voice shook slightly, and Legolas forced himself to keep quiet. He was hurting his best friend with his words. His silence did nothing for the agony that gripped his mind, though.   
He tried to tear at the wound in his chest, a wound that had yet to be treated. It was shallow, but still, Estel must be gravely worried about his mental state to have left without at least cleaning and bandaging it.  
“No, Legolas.” Estel used one hand to capture both of the prince’s wrists, stopping him from mauling the wound.   
There was nothing left. Estel had taken all of it, every out he had. “You c-can’t – h-help m-me!” Legolas started to struggle fiercely, and it was only thanks to Estel’s good horsemanship that the man managed to keep his seat while restraining the elf. “I’m t-too – too b-broken to b-be fixed, Estel – d-doesn’t today – p-prove that? Every t-time – y-you try to – t-try to – con-convince me t-that I – c-can get b-better – everything just g-gets worse ag-again, and I – I can’t –”  
The rest of his words were lost as Legolas’ breathing degenerated into panicked gasps. He was vaguely aware of Estel trying to calm him down, but even as he spoke quickly and urgently, the man didn’t slow the horse, didn’t stop to do any number of things that would have gotten Legolas calm.  
Apparently, he judged speed more important than comfort right now, and Legolas was grateful, because mere minutes later, he mercifully passed out.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13  
Aragorn

Aragorn couldn’t tell whether Legolas was awake or not. When the prince was conscious, he was just as unresponsive as when he was asleep. If he even was asleep. Aragorn didn’t know whether it was sleep or unconsciousness that kept claiming the elf, and it worried him.  
“Ada?” He brought his horse close to Elrond’s barely slowing the headlong gallop for Imladris.  
“Any change?”  
“No, he’s the same. What do you think is wrong with him? He’s eaten, he’s slept, he’s barely lost any blood… why does he keep passing out like this?”  
“I suspect that his mind is simply overwhelmed and seeks to protect him. Take it as the gift it is, ion nin. This will help us get him to Imladris, where he can continue to heal.”  
Aragorn shook his head sadly. “It hurts me to see him like this. He was actually doing better. Now… I wonder if leaving that cabin was a mistake.”  
“You had to leave eventually, Estel. Better that you did it while your brothers and I were still at the palace. It is good for Legolas to have us all with him, though it is clear he needs you the most.”  
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to get him to eat in this state. It’s hard enough when he’s even vaguely cooperative.”  
Elrond sighed. “I figured as much. If we keep at this pace, we can be in Imladris in a few days. We’ll watch him at night and wait for him to be unconscious before feeding him some broth.”  
Such feeding could be dangerous – dribbling the liquid inside the mouth and waiting for the body’s natural swallow reflex to kick in – but so was not eating anything at all. Legolas had proved that much.  
The prince remained mostly insensate for the rest of the trip. Aragorn wasn’t sure whether that was a blessing or a curse. He didn’t do anything to bring his friend out of it, despite Thranduil’s insistence. The king was worried, understandably, but Aragorn remained firm, and Elrond backed him up. Eventually, Thranduil acceded to their judgement.   
When they finally got home, Aragorn let out a deep sigh of relief. “We’re here, mellon nin,” he said to Legolas, unsure if the prince was awake or not. “We’re in Imladris. Things will get better from now, I promise.”  
They got Legolas to his room, and Aragorn took his time washing the dust of travel off both of them. Legolas was awake, but he remained unresponsive, staring straight ahead. Now that they were here, Aragorn wasn’t going to let him stay in this state.   
Once they were both dry and Legolas was in bed, Aragorn took his friend’s hand. “You need to wake up now, gwador. I know you’ve been hiding in your own head since those orcs attacked, but you’re not going to get better like this.”  
Legolas didn’t respond.   
A knock on the door had Aragorn looking up. Elladan brought a tray filled with food. “Do you want me to stay?”  
“No, that’s alright, I think it should be just the two of us for now. Legolas, it’s time for lunch.”  
That got a reaction, even if it was a small one. Panic flickered briefly in the prince’s eyes before vanishing behind another look of blankness.   
Aragorn frowned, as his gaze was drawn to Legolas’ neck. It was at a funny angle against the headboard – lying the way it had fallen when Aragorn had propped him up – and it was clear by the prince’s expression that it was starting to pain him.  
“Can you move your neck, Legolas? I can see it’s hurting you at that angle.”  
Once again, Legolas remained blank. Maybe his friend truly couldn’t move. Aragorn knew there was nothing wrong with the prince’s body, but it was entirely possible his mind was keeping him paralyzed. He’d have to remember that as a possibility if he was unable to bring the elf out of this.   
“What do you want to eat?” he asked, not expecting an answer. “I have bread, chicken, and fruit. I can mash them up for you if you need, but it’ll probably be more pleasant eating them as is.”  
He waited a few minutes before deciding that Legolas wasn’t going to answer. “Alright, mash it is.”  
Aragorn made a broth of sorts with some of the food on the plate, stirring it over the fire to thicken it and make the solid ingredients merge with the water. He helped himself to the remains of the food, glad for something other than travel rations.  
Legolas hadn’t moved when he returned with a bowl and a spoon. “Open your mouth. Let me help you.”  
Of course, Legolas did no such thing, and Aragorn gently pulled his jaw open. He was almost glad when the prince snapped it shut again, because at least that was a reaction.   
“You have to eat,” he explained patiently, though of course, Legolas knew this. “Please, don’t make me force you.”  
“Don’t want to eat.” It was the first thing Legolas had said – well, whispered – in days.   
“It is good to hear your voice again, mellon nin. But I’m afraid you have to eat. I’ll try to make this as quick as possible.”  
Legolas struggled so fiercely that Aragorn had to call in the twins to hold him down. By the time the food was gone, the prince was sobbing freely, sprawled out on the bed and keening in utter misery. He didn’t push Aragorn away when the man pulled him close, Legolas curled into his friend.   
“I – c-c-can’t – d-do – it – E-Estel,” Legolas gasped.  
“You do not have to do it alone,” Aragorn assured him. Legolas just shook harder at these words, and Aragorn guided his hands so that the elf was holding onto him, his grip squeezing the man’s insides together. “That’s right, do your clam hold,” Aragorn murmured.  
“My – my w-what?”  
“I call it your clam hold – when you attach yourself to me like a clam. It always makes you feel better.”  
Legolas made a choking sound that could have been an attempt at a laugh, and his arms tightened. The clam hold did indeed make him feel better. Barely an hour later, he was somewhat calmer, much to Aragorn’s relief.   
He glanced at the sun. “Well, we’ve had lunch; it’s time for your nap, then you and I are going to have our talking session.”  
Instead of complaining, as he’d expected, Legolas simply nodded.   
“Glad to be getting back to our routine?” Aragorn guessed.  
“It’s easier,” Legolas admitted. “When I know what’s coming, it helps.”  
“That’s why we do it, mellon nin. You just sleep now, we’ll have a lot to talk about when you wake. The past week has been hard on you.”  
Legolas didn’t protest that, and fell easily into sleep.   
Over the next week, they got back into their routine. Thranduil, Elrond and the twins mostly stayed away, letting Legolas adjust to things. Once Aragorn was confident that the prince was relatively stable, he started modifying the routine to let Legolas spend time with the rest of his family.  
Their morning walks were frequently joined by the twins, and Elrond and Thranduil took turns participating in Legolas’ afternoon talking sessions, though Aragorn still made sure he had plenty of time alone with his friend.   
Three weeks after their arrival at Imladris, Legolas was able to start having meals in the dining hall, though he still struggled, and on some days, Aragorn had to take him back to their chambers to face the food without extra eyes on him.  
“Legolas?”  
The prince looked up from his journal. “Yes?”  
“My father mentioned something, and I think it’s worth a try. He thinks it would be a good idea for you to learn to spend some time away from me, to lean on others, especially Thranduil. He’s the one who will be there for you most of the time, after all, when you’re in Greenwood.”  
Legolas nodded, but Aragorn easily recognized the look of panic in his friend’s eyes.   
“Not until you’re ready,” he said quickly. “There’s no hurry. You’ll still be here at least several more months, regardless. Ada is keeping a watch on it, and he says the darkness that crept into your mind is leaving, but slowly. You’re having less trouble with your thoughts, aren’t you?”  
“Some days,” Legolas agreed. “Most days, I believe you. Others…”  
“I will never stop loving you, I promise.”  
The prince smiled in relief. Aragorn had learned to read when his friend needed to hear the words. Today, he was certain that Legolas believed him.   
“Alright. Let’s give it a few days, let me get used to the idea… then we can try it.”  
“Good, Ada will be pleased. The twins have been wanting to go hunting, maybe I’ll accompany them. Just close to Imladris, we won’t be gone more than a few days.”  
“I…”  
“Tell me,” Aragorn urged.  
“Can you get the lavender oil?”  
“Of course.” He smiled warmly at his friend. Legolas was learning to recognize his anxiety early on, before it became a full-blown panic attack. They went through the familiar calming ritual, after which Legolas went back to his journal.   
It was five days later before both Aragorn and Legolas were satisfied that the prince was well enough to have a few days with just his father and Elrond to help him.   
“You’re sure? I can stay if you’d like.”  
The twins rolled their eyes, and Legolas shook his head.  
“No, Estel, you’re right, I need to learn to manage without you at my side every second. You go, have fun.”  
Aragorn nodded hesitantly, pulling his friend into one last hug before he left.   
The hunt only lasted three days, but it was a long three days.  
“How do you think Legolas is doing?”  
“Estel, I swear, if you ask that one more time…” Elladan growled between gritted teeth.  
“Well, I’m worried about him!”  
“He’ll be fine, he has Ada, and even I have to admit, Thranduil has been good with him. Now shut up, you’re scaring all the game away.” Elrohir gave him a quelling scowl, but it didn’t do anything to calm Aragorn’s racing thoughts.   
When they finally returned, it was to find Glorfindel just heading out. He stopped short when he saw them.  
“Estel! Lord Elrond just sent me to go find you. You must come quickly. It’s Legolas.”  
Aragorn got off his horse so quickly that he would have fallen on the ground if Glorfindel didn’t leap down to steady him. He set off at a run toward Legolas’ chambers, finding the prince hysterical and utterly inconsolable.   
“Legolas!”  
“Estel.” Thranduil sighed in relief and quickly relinquished his place at his friend’s side. “Thank the Valar.”  
Aragorn climbed under the covers, pulling Legolas close, letting the prince’s head rest on his chest. “What is it, mellon nin?”  
“P-p-promise – m-me –”  
“I promise I will never stop loving you. You know that, gwador.”  
“I’ll get Elrond.” Thranduil hurried out, leaving Aragorn to try to comfort the frantic prince. Legolas wasn’t able to speak, he was sobbing too hard for that. He clung to Aragorn and wept in abject misery as the man murmured soothing words in his ear.   
Finally, Elrond hurried in.   
“Ada! What happened? He was fine when I left, and I was only gone a few days!”  
“It seems we’ve underestimated the effect you’ve been having on Legolas. Ever since you left, the darkness that his mind has been trying to purge started clawing its way back. It seems he will be much longer in recovering than we originally estimated.’  
Legolas jerked violently and started trying to burrow his head under Aragorn’s torso. Aragorn pulled the blanket up, letting the prince hide under it. He could feel his friend trembling and started rubbing his back.   
“That’s fine,” he said, both for his father’s benefit and Legolas’. “If I have to stay by his side every day for the rest of his life, I’ll be all the happier for it. I’ve never wanted to be parted from him.”  
“Oh, I know that.” Elrond’s eyes were twinkling. “I remember the tantrums you used to throw when you were younger, when Legolas had to leave. Worry not, though, Estel. He will recover, and he will be able to return to Greenwood without you at some point, it’ll just take longer than we’d expected.”  
“Are you… are you sure? I thought he was getting better, but now…” So far, Aragorn had managed to keep his spirits high, but he found it hard to believe that Legolas was ever going to recover at this rate.   
“He will recover, this I promise you,” Elrond said firmly, and there was no doubt in his voice. “This will be a back and forth process, Estel. Do not worry, Legolas is still doing very well. I will leave you for now.”  
Legolas showed no sigh of wanting to come out of his blanket cave, so Aragorn ducked under to join him there.   
“Hey, you heard Ada, you’re going to get better. Don’t worry, mellon nin, this is just a temporary setback. Come now, do your clam hold and breathe slowly, everything will be fine. I will not leave you again.”  
Predictably, the first thing Legolas did when he was able to speak was apologize. “I’m sorry, Estel. That was pathetic and –”  
“It was not pathetic, do not even think that. Ada and I misjudged the situation. It is on us that you fell apart, not on you. I never should have left. Do not worry, we will be more cautious in future.”  
“You are a fool to love me, Estel.”  
“I’ve certainly been called worse, and I would endure much more than being called names for you, mellon nin. Foolish or not, I will always love you, I promise.”  
The prince just shook his head, tears still leaking out of his eyes. “I don’t know what to do. I keep thinking I’m making progress, then…”  
“We do what we’ve been doing. We stick to the routine. You keep taking your medicine. It’s been working this long, and it’ll keep working. Now, I want you to tell me everything that went on in your head while I was away.”  
Instead of answering, Legolas pulled out his journal and tossed it into Aragorn’s lap. “Read it. I don’t think I can bear to discuss it right now.”  
By the time he was done reading, Aragorn was struggling not to cry himself. Legolas was dozing against him, and he gently put the journal down, careful not to jostle his friend. The one thing he was pleased about was that even at the worst moments, it seemed Legolas hadn’t made any plans to try to kill himself. He’d wished for death, but it had gone no further than that.  
What he had written was distressing enough, though. His doubts and despair were horrible to read, though they must have been many more times as horrible to experience.   
Though he was loathe to wake the prince, but he knew how important it was to stick to their routine.   
“Legolas. Come on, time to wake up, you need your supper.”  
Legolas groaned, but didn’t otherwise protest. He’d come to see, too, that keeping his schedule was good for him, and even though he dragged his feet and scowled, he let Aragorn help him get down a small meal.   
To his surprise, when the time came for Legolas to write in his journal, the prince refused. “No. I don’t want to.”  
“You have to, mellon nin, it is part of your treatment, remember? You don’t have to write about anything you don’t feel up to – just whatever you are thinking will be fine. Remember when you spent three days recording your favorite recipes for pork?”  
Legolas didn’t give the smile Aragorn had been hoping for, and shook his head once more.  
“Why not, gwador?”  
The prince pressed his lips together.  
“Legolas, you know better than that. If something is bothering you, talk to me.”  
“I… I remember. When you were gone, I’d write in it, and I’d feel like I was drowning without you there to help me if I needed to stop, or if I got too distressed. Ada was with me, but…”  
“Well, I am here now, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”  
“But the book still holds those memories.”  
“That is easy enough to remedy.” Aragorn lifted the journal from Legolas’ lap and went to put it in a drawer, pulling out another blank book. “Use this one. You can start afresh from tonight.”  
Legolas’ features filled with relief. “Yes. I can do that.” His face suddenly fell. “I should have just thought of that. I don’t know why you love someone so stupid, Estel…”  
“You are not stupid, Legolas, do not think that about yourself. It’s always harder to see the solution to your own problems, especially when they are as overwhelming as yours can be. You just need to keep talking to me.”  
“Promise me.”  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you. And I can see what you’re thinking, I’m not going to get tired of saying it. It’s the truth, I will not become weary of speaking it.”  
Legolas nodded, taking the quill Aragorn offered. The prince smiled slightly as he wrote, and Aragorn’s curiosity overcame him.   
“Mind if I ask what you’re writing about?”  
“What you said, about it always being harder to see the solutions to your own problems. I remember the mess you got yourself into with that young elleth, back when you were still a teenager.”  
“Legolas! We promised we would never speak of that again.”  
“I was not speaking, I was writing, and you did ask…”  
“You’d just better not let the twins get hold of that journal. They’d never let me hear the end of it.”  
“I make no promises.”  
Despite his noise of outrage, Aragorn was grinning widely. Legolas so seldom joked around with him nowadays, and it was wonderful to have a glimpse of his old friend, as he’d been before all this started. It gave him hope that Ada was right, that Legolas would truly come back to himself in time.  
“Maybe I should start writing a journal of my own,” he mock-threatened. “Containing certain things you wouldn’t want coming to light… just in case you manage to lose that one of yours.”  
Legolas narrowed his eyes. “You wouldn’t.”  
Aragorn shrugged, a small smile playing around his lips. “We’ll see.”


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14  
Eighteen months later  
Aragorn

Aragorn was reading over Legolas’ letters when a commotion in the courtyard had him putting them carefully away. Legolas had stayed in Imladris for a full year before returning to Greenwood. He’d been there for six months now, and he’d written eight times, all of his letters assuring Aragorn that he was well.  
As though his thoughts had summoned his best friend, Aragorn hurried outside to find none other than Legolas, having what looked like a blazing row with Thranduil.  
“I told you, Ada, I’m fine! There was no point in dragging me all this way, I –”  
“I am not messing around with this Legolas, not again. You’ve skipped three meals in the last week and one of the servants told me she found blood on your sleeve when she washed your tunic. I will not let you suffer in silence again.”  
The argument was cut off abruptly when Aragorn hurried forward. “Legolas! It’s so good to see you, mellon nin.”  
The scowl seemed to melt off the prince’s face as Aragorn pulled him into a hug. “It is good to see you too, Estel, despite my father’s paranoia.”  
His worry was too great to delay, and Aragorn gently turned Legolas’ arms over. The prince grimaced as his sleeves were pushed back to reveal rows of angry slashes.   
“Alright,” Aragorn said in a voice that was much calmer than he felt. “Let’s get you settled in your chambers, and I’ll send for Ada.”  
“I’m fine, Estel,” Legolas grouched.   
“Sure you are.”  
He got Legolas to his chambers – though the prince refused to lie down in bed – and Elrond and the twins were summoned. Elrond examined him thoroughly, much to Legolas’ annoyance.  
“You did the right thing bringing him here, mellon nin.” Elrond gave Thranduil an encouraging smile. “From what I’ve seen, he’s only started having trouble eating in the past few weeks, and the cutting only started a couple of days ago. We’ve caught it earlier this time, which is good.”  
Aragorn could see the swiftly growing panic in Legolas’ eyes, and leaned close to his friend. “What do you need, gwador?”  
“I – can I speak to you privately?”  
“Of course. If you wouldn’t mind…” Aragorn gestured to the door, and the others went without protest, even Thranduil.   
“I am fine, Estel.”  
“You have already said that, mellon nin, and I do not believe you.”  
“I have to be fine.”  
“Why?” Aragorn asked gently.   
“Because if I’m not, then I – I don’t think I ever will be.”  
Legolas hung his head, his shoulders tense.   
“What makes you think that?”  
The elf’s eyes came up to meet his. “It’s been a year and a half, Estel! I’m supposed to be better now. I was doing well. Nothing happened to set me off, nothing! I just started struggling again. If I was capable of getting better, I would have done so by now. If I am not fine now, then it means I am broken beyond repair.”  
“That is not true, Legolas. You know what Ada said – these kinds of illnesses can take time to heal, and there will be ups and downs over the years. You need to let me help you.”  
“I do not need help, because I am fine.”  
“Then I guess you won’t have a problem sharing a meal with me?”  
Legolas winced. “Ok, maybe I need a bit of help with eating.”  
Aragorn smiled in relief.  
“But I don’t want to stop cutting, Estel. I know you think it’s bad, but it helps me function. I realize I have to eat to live, but cutting isn’t truly going to damage me, not if I’m careful. It’s just something I need, and you have to accept that.”  
The smile slid off Aragorn’s face. “I will never accept you being hurt, gwador, even if it is you who is hurting yourself. I will help you find other ways to cope.”  
Legolas shook his head stubbornly. “I don’t want other ways. I like this one.”  
For now, Aragorn knew he wasn’t going to get a better answer. If Legolas would accept help eating, that was at least a start. He knew he had to crack his friend’s calm façade if he was to have a chance at helping him, but that might take time.   
The first time, Legolas had been on the brink of falling apart already, and it hadn’t taken much to get him to open up. Now, he was in a much better state, and would no doubt hold onto his insistence that he was fine for as long as possible.   
“We’ll talk about that later, then. For now, let’s focus on lunch.”  
He left briefly to ask a servant to bring in food for both of them, and was relieved to find that Legolas hadn’t moved. “So, how have things been in Greenwood since we last corresponded?”  
The prince gave him a suspicious frown. “If you’re asking if something has happened, the answer is no. I just… there’s no reason to this.”  
Aragorn bumped their shoulders together. “I can’t catch up with my best friend without having some ulterior motive?”  
“Rarely.” Legolas allowed himself a smile. “Things are going as well as can be expected, I guess. It’s always hard fighting back the darkness, but it has its rewards.”  
By the time the food arrived, Legolas at least seemed less tense, but he clammed back up the moment he saw the tray heaped with fruits and meats.   
“Calm now, breathe slowly. We’re going to start small, just one piece of fruit, and we’ll go from there.”  
Legolas took several deep breaths before finally nodding. Aragorn handed him a piece of fruit, and the prince brought it to his mouth, pausing just before it touched his lips, wincing.  
“You can do it,” Aragorn encouraged, slipping an arm around his friend. “Just this one meal, then I’ll let you rest. Later, we can go do something fun. You must have missed kicking my backside in our archery contests.”  
It took about an hour, but eventually, Legolas managed to eat what Aragorn deemed an acceptable amount. “Well done, mellon nin. Now, it’s time for your nap.”  
“I don’t need the routine, Estel,” Legolas snapped. “I’m not sick anymore.”  
“Yes, you are, and you will stick to the routine as long as I say so.”  
“I’m not tired. I do not want to sleep.”  
“Just lying still in bed will be fine, then. Unless you want me to bring you something to help you sleep?”  
“No! I’m fine.”  
Aragorn watched worriedly as Legolas lay down, folding his arms and looking mutinous. He knew he could help his friend, but only if the prince let him. Pretending everything was fine would only make matters worse. It would all come out eventually, but by the time it did, Aragorn was concerned about just how bad things inside Legolas’ head would have gotten.   
The next week passed in much the same way. Legolas accepted help with eating, but he was still cutting. Aragorn couldn’t figure out how he was doing it. The prince obviously had a hidden blade somewhere, but whenever Aragorn searched him, he was unable to find it.   
He didn’t leave Legolas alone for a moment, but the elf still managed to cut, simply turning away for a couple of moments. In this way, he managed to keep up his calm, but Aragorn could tell that he was far from ok. Resisting being helped fully was taking its toll; he could see it in Legolas’ eyes.   
“Speak to me, mellon nin,” he begged. “Let me help you.”  
“I am fine, Estel.”  
Aragorn threw up his hands in exasperation and left. He had to talk to Elrond. On the way out he asked one of the servants to fetch his brothers, and hovered by the door, watching Legolas until they arrived. He finally hurried to his father’s study.   
“Estel. How is Legolas doing?”  
“The same. He still insists he’s fine, but I can tell he’s getting worse. I don’t know what to do, Ada. How can we help him? He’s just going to let this get worse and worse until he can’t hold it in anymore, and I can’t bear to watch him get into that state again.”  
Elrond came around the desk and put an arm around Aragorn’s shoulders. “I know, ion nin, I know. I have been thinking on this, and I believe I have come up with a potential solution. I have already sent for Mithrandir in the hopes that he can help us.   
“There are old accounts of people going to wizards to have their minds linked, so that they can share thoughts and emotions. It is usually done between married couples, but I can’t find anything to say it won’t work with friends or brothers.”   
“That would be brilliant, Ada,” Aragorn breathed. “I could really help him, then. When will Mithrandir arrive?”  
“That depends on whether he comes by eagle or by horse. Maybe as soon as tomorrow.”  
“I’ll go tell Legolas.”  
Aragorn bumped into Elladan half way back to the prince’s chambers. Elladan was running, and the two of them went tumbling.   
“Estel, come on.” Elladan was up already, tugging him along.   
“What happened?” Aragorn demanded.  
“What happened? What happened was that you stormed off in anger. Now Legolas thinks you don’t love him anymore, you idiot!”  
Aragorn stumbled, and Elladan grabbed him under the arm, helping him keep his feet. “I… I didn’t think…”  
“That much is clear.”   
They burst into the room to find Elrohir trying to console a hysterical Legolas.   
“Legolas! Mellon nin, I am here.” Aragorn basically tackled his friend, flattening them both onto the bed, wrapping himself around the prince. “Just breathe, I am here, I still love you. I will always love you, gwador, I promise.”  
Legolas clutched at his tunic, his eyes wide with panic as he gasped for air.   
Elrohir pushed the bottle of lavender oil into his hands, and Aragorn immediately started rubbing it into Legolas’ temples.  
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” he mumbled, pulling the prince tight against his chest once he was done with the oil. “I never should have left like that. Forgive me?”  
“I – I –” Legolas couldn’t speak, and Aragorn hushed him, starting up the familiar rocking motion. His friend’s breathing was at least calming, but now wracking sobs were shaking his entire body. The door clicked softly as the twins left them alone.   
Aragorn didn’t know whether to be relieved that Legolas’ calm front had finally broken, or horrified that his own unthinking actions had been the cause of it.   
“P-p-pro – pro-promise – m-m-me –”  
“I promise, I will never stop loving you. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt it.” Aragorn stroked Legolas’ hair as the prince went into clam hold, wrapping his arms and legs around the man’s body and squeezing as hard as he could.   
It took Legolas several hours to calm down. When the sobs had finally ceased, leaving him with silent tears running down his cheeks, he was at least able to speak.  
“I’m sorry, Estel. I thought I had it under control.”  
“You should have let me help you, mellon nin. You let it get bad again, keeping everything inside.”  
“But this isn’t supposed to happen anymore!” Legolas burst out. “The darkness is gone from my mind, Elrond said so himself.”  
“Yes, but he also said that the illness the darkness caused takes many years to heal, and even then, it may never truly leave you.”  
Legolas pressed his face into Aragorn’s chest, a sure sign he was feeling overwhelmed.   
“I think there may be a way to help you, gwador. Something we haven’t tried, I mean.” He spent a few minutes explaining Elrond’s idea to link their minds.   
Legolas listened carefully, frowning. “I don’t know, Estel… my mind is kind of a mess right now. I don’t know if I want to subject you to it.”  
“That’s the point, though – if I’m in your head, I’ll be able to help you get better. You won’t be subjecting me to anything, because I’ll get in there and change it before it bothers me. I really think this will work, mellon nin. I’ve told you how much I love you, but if you can actually feel it, it will be so much more real to you.”  
“Are you… are you sure, Estel? You really want to do this?”  
“I really do. I’m sure.”  
Legolas nodded. “If that’s what you want, then I’ll do it. You were right, I was being stupid to deny your help when I needed it.”  
Aragorn could have leapt up and whooped in excitement, except that Legolas was still holding onto him. “That’s great! I’ll tell Ada –”  
“No need.” The door opened to reveal Elrond, followed by Mithrandir.  
“Mithrandir! How did you get here so fast? Ada wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow.”  
“Oh, I have my means. From what your father said, it sounded urgent.” He turned to the prince. “How are you doing, Legolas?”  
“I’m –” Legolas caught Aragorn’s eye. The man was giving him a warning look, sure that his friend was about to say ‘fine’. “I’ve been better, but I hear you have a plan to help.”  
“I do. You are both sure, then? This isn’t something that can be undone.”  
“We’re sure,” Aragorn said firmly. “What do we need to do?”  
“You don’t need to do anything, you just leave it up to me. Elrond has prepared a tea to put both of you to sleep – the ritual can be quite painful, and it is better that you are out when I do it. When you wake, you will be able to sense each other’s thoughts and emotions. I must warn you, it can be quite overwhelming at first.”  
“Are you sure, Estel?” Legolas’s face was once more filled with doubt.  
Aragorn pulled him into a tighter hug. “I am sure. Soon, you will see just how sure I am. Are you ready?”  
“If you really do want to do this.”  
“I do, mellon nin, I do.”  
Elrond handed them both steaming mugs, which Aragorn and Legolas downed as quickly as they could, grimacing at the taste. Legolas’ hand found his, and the prince squeezed with all of his strength.   
“Nervous?” Aragorn murmured.  
“Yes. I – what if once you’re in my head, once you really see who I am, you change your mind?”  
Aragorn could already feel the tea kicking in, but he shook himself slightly, unwilling to let Legolas fall asleep with such doubts. “I will never stop loving you, no matter what I find in your head. I swear, Legolas. You only need to believe me for a few more minutes. When we wake up, I’ll show you.”  
Legolas mumbled something, but he was too sleepy to make much sense. Aragorn felt his own eyelids drooping, and pulled Legolas’ head to his chest, wanting his friend to be in the familiar, comforting position when he woke.  
No sooner had he done that than darkness took him, and he knew nothing more.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15  
Aragorn

The first thing Aragorn was aware of was sadness – a deep, aching sadness. Then there was fear, and doubt, so much doubt. He blinked, trying to clear his head.   
“Estel? How are you feeling?”  
“Ada?”  
Elrond clasped his hand. “I am here, ion nin.”  
“Legolas?”  
“He’s fine, he’s in the bed next to yours.”  
Aragorn turned his head to find that his friend was indeed lying in a bed close by his. Legolas was awake and apparently calm, judging by his expression. Why, then, was Aragorn bombarded by such pain, fear and turmoil? Those emotions weren’t coming from him, which only left one possible source.  
“Legolas? Are you ok?”  
The prince nodded pensively. “I can feel you, I think. You’re confused, wondering about my feelings.”  
“Yes. What’s wrong?”  
“Nothing is wrong, at least not right now.”  
“Then why are you feeling like that!”  
Legolas gave him a humorless smile. “This is how I feel all the time, Estel, at least on good days.”  
“What?”  
“I did warn you that being in my head isn’t pleasant.”  
Aragorn sighed. He should have been prepared for this. “Ada, could you leave us alone to talk for a bit? I’ll shout if we need help.”  
“Of course, Estel. Let me know if you need anything.”  
Aragorn flopped over into Legolas’ bed, pulling his friend close. “Alright, we’re going to talk through this. First off, the fear. Tell me about it.”  
Legolas didn’t need to tell him, because thoughts started flitting through his head, thoughts that Aragorn was rapidly coming to hear.   
I’m not worth loving.  
You’ll realize it eventually.  
I’ll never get better.  
I don’t deserve to get better.  
I’m permanently broken.  
Everyone I love will leave me, as they should.  
“Ok, stop, stop, Legolas! Just – just listen for a minute.” Aragorn didn’t speak, but focused instead on his love for his best friend, on his surety that Legolas would get better one day. Most of all, his utter certainty that Legolas was worthy of all the love and devotion in the world.  
Legolas tensed in his arms. “You’re wrong,” he whispered. “You’re wrong.”  
“I am not wrong, and I will not change my mind. I promise you, Legolas. Listen to my thoughts and emotions, and hear the truth in them. I. Will. Always. Love. You.”  
The fear and doubt he sensed ebbed somewhat, but they didn’t disappear. Aragorn supposed that was the best he could hope for, at least for now. It would take time to convince Legolas of the truth, but at least he’d have an easier time of it now that he could simply show his friend.  
“Now, the sadness, the emotional pain. Explain it to me, mellon nin.”  
“I – I don’t know. I’ve been keeping up with the medication you and Elrond sent me home with. The healers used the recipe you gave them, and they make it for me every morning. At first, but worked well, but in recent weeks… I don’t know. I just started feeling like this again.”  
A new feeling surged up within Aragorn, one so irresistible that he found himself staring around, looking for any sharp object to slash at his arms with.  
“Estel! Focus, you’re worse than I am. I can’t do it again yet, I need to wait at least a couple more hours if I don’t want to pass out from blood loss the next time I cut.”  
“What?” Aragorn shook his head, trying to shake out the desire, but it stuck with him. No, it was Legolas’ desire, not his. How did Legolas cope with his in his head? How was he sitting there so calmly?  
“I’ve gotten used to it, to some extent.”  
“If this is your good day, I’d hate to see your bad,” Aragorn muttered.  
The prince’s face fell. “You will, though. Mithrandir said the process cannot be reversed. Do you regret it?”  
The doubt surfaced anew, along with guilt. “No, of course not. Listen to my heart, Legolas, you can feel that I do not, can’t you?”  
Legolas tilted his head to the side, clearly immersed in Aragorn’s thoughts and emotions. “Yes, I can feel it. I don’t know why, but you really don’t regret it.”  
“This will take some time to get used to, but I’m sure it’ll help you.”  
“What about you, Estel?”  
What have I done?  
I should never have agreed to this.  
I’m making him suffer.  
I deserve everything that’s coming to me.  
“No, Legolas, stop it! Hey, come here. I love you, and I will gladly suffer any pain to make you well. You understand?”  
He’d hoped his words would reassure Legolas, but instead, Aragorn felt a keen pain in his chest that he knew wasn’t his, and wasn’t physical in origin. He didn’t even need to look to know that Legolas had started crying.  
I don’t deserve him.  
He’d be better off without me.  
Why does he care? Why?  
When will he stop?  
“I will not stop! Ever, do you understand? I promise, Legolas, I will never stop loving you.” Legolas curled his shaking body into the man’s, and his thoughts blurred out, becoming nothing but wild emotions – anguish, sadness, fear…   
It was overwhelming, and Aragorn felt like he might break down any minute under the onslaught of emotion. He couldn’t, though. Legolas needed him right now. He’d have to talk to Mithrandir about separating himself somewhat from the prince’s emotions when he had to.   
“Hey, hey, it’s alright. I am here, gwador, I will not leave you.”  
It was an enlightening experience, feeling how his touches and words of comfort affected Legolas. As Aragorn squeezed him tighter and murmured reassurance, he could feel the prince’s pain easing ever so slightly. It felt like he was fighting against the tide to try to push it back, but Aragorn persevered.   
He saw what Legolas was going to do in his friend’s mind, and captured his hands.  
“That’s how you’ve been doing it,” Aragorn murmured, examining Legolas’ finger nails. He’d somehow gotten a tiny, thin blade implanted underneath one of them, one that could be retracted and pushed back. “That’s going to have to come out, mellon nin.”  
It was an hour later when Legolas finally went relaxed into Aragorn’s hold, his tears stopped, and his mind quieted. Aragorn took it as encouragement that he’d managed to get his friend calmed down faster than usual – before the mind link, this kind of episode would take at least three or four hours to fade. That meant this was working, no matter how unpleasant it was being in Legolas’ head. It didn’t take long for Legolas to drift off.  
He took advantage of the time Legolas was asleep and removed the blade, making a mental note to hide it later. He bandaged up the slightly bleeding finger, looking sadly at his friend.   
Aragorn was hungry, and he knew that Legolas also probably needed a meal, but a quick glance at the prince showed him still asleep. Deciding to leave the elf to rest for now, he quietly slipped out of bed and went to the door. As he’d expected, there was someone waiting outside it, just in case they should need anything.  
“Elladan, can you call Mithrandir? I need to talk to him. Just be quiet, Legolas is asleep.”  
Elladan nodded. “How are you feeling, Estel?” he asked in a hushed voice.  
Aragorn glanced back to be sure that Legolas was still asleep. “It’s harder than I expected. Being in his head… it’s no wonder he isn’t coping well. I don’t think I ever truly understood what sadness and fear were before this. How can someone feel like that all the time? I’m surprised he hasn’t gone insane. I’m still not sure I won’t.”  
“Mithrandir and Ada will find a way to help you.” Elladan clasped his shoulder in sympathy. “I’ll go get them.”  
Aragorn didn’t want to leave Legolas alone, so he went to the desk and sat down, keeping an eye on the sleeping prince. Several minutes later, Mithrandir and Elrond entered quietly.  
“Estel, how are you feeling?” Elrond felt his temperature and looked into his eyes, seeming to approve of what he saw.   
“I – I’m ok now, because Legolas is asleep, but when he’s awake… it’s overwhelming. I – I’m not sure I can do it.” Aragorn hated to admit it, but he wasn’t going to help Legolas by lying. “How can I support him when I can barely control my own reactions?”  
“You need to learn to pull back,” Mithrandir said at once. “The link is new, and you and Legolas are currently completely immersed in each other’s minds. You need to be able to dip in to feel his thoughts and emotions, then remove yourself, so that you don’t get swamped by them. Like an insect that skims over the water.”  
“How do I do that?”  
“I will show you. Take my hands.” They held hands over the table while Elrond watched keenly. “Now, close your eyes, and remember what it was like earlier, being in Legolas’s head. I am going to use my own powers to pull you deeper into the memory, so that I can teach you.”  
Aragorn did as he was told, and he was suddenly jolted right back to an hour earlier. Legolas’ emotions were swamping him, and he couldn’t make it stop.  
“Let me show you,” Mithrandir murmured. “Give me control.”  
He felt a presence pushing at his mind, and Aragorn yielded to it. Mithrandir observed Legolas’ turbulent mind for a few moments, then he started to pull back. A shimmering wall appeared between them and Legolas’ thoughts. Aragorn could still see through it, and there was a door should he want to walk beyond, but his mind was once more his own.  
“There, now you try.” Mithrandir let go, and the wall instantly disappeared, throwing Aragorn straight back into Legolas’ distress.   
“Imagine the wall,” Mithrandir murmured.  
It was hard to concentrate on imagining anything when he was so sad he just wanted to die, and so afraid that the fear was paralyzing him. Aragorn shook himself slightly, shoving the image of the transparent wall and door into his mind. It slowly took form, pushing Legolas’ thoughts away.   
“Try stepping through the door, going back to Legolas’ mind.”  
Aragorn did, only to jump back. He did not like what was on the other side of the door.  
“You can see what’s going on through the wall if you keep it transparent,” Mithrandir told him. “Now, I want you to add a window. You and Legolas can communicate direct messages through it, though if you want to hear every thought he has, you’ll need to go through the door. Next, we’re going to make a secondary wall, one that won’t let you feel his emotions, but you can hear all of his thoughts. You can be behind that, or further back behind this wall, depending on what both of you need.”  
By the time Aragorn opened his eyes, his head was pounding. He groaned, dropping his forehead down to his hands. “Here, ion nin.” Elrond pushed a hot cup of tea into his hand, and Aragorn gulped at it, recognizing the taste of pain killing herbs. He hadn’t even noticed the elf lord getting up and coming back with the tea.  
“That’s – a lot.”  
Mithrandir smiled encouragingly at him. “I know, but you did well. You understand the basics now. You may modify it a bit as you go along – it is your own mind, after all, you may do whatever you please within it – but what I’ve shown you should keep you safe. It’ll be tiring at first, but you will get used to it quickly.”  
“Now, you need rest.” Elrond was already steering him toward the bed, where Legolas was still curled up, sleeping peacefully.   
Aragorn supposed he could use a nap too. This mind link was exhausting and would take some time getting used. Elrond stayed long enough to be sure that he wasn’t going to jump out of the bed the second the room was empty. Finally, he and Mithrandir told Aragorn they would be back to check on him in a few hours, and left.   
Aragorn sighed, finally resigning himself to sleep. It washed over him like an irresistible wave. He must have been more tired than he’d thought, because he fell into a deep sleep, and never noticed when Legolas slipped out of bed.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16  
Legolas

Legolas awoke to find Estel deeply asleep. He sighed in relief. He’d have to move carefully; Estel was so attuned to him that he’d wake at the slightest movement. Ever so slowly, the prince quietly got out of bed.  
Estel didn’t so much as twitch. Legolas smiled sadly at his friend. It was the link. Dealing with being in his head had exhausted Estel. Worse, it had hurt him. Legolas couldn’t allow it to continue. He wouldn’t.  
The corridor was too risky – there would surely be someone nearby – so he took the window, climbing to the ground and hurrying toward a high waterfall not far from Imladris. Not only was it high enough for the fall to be fatal, but as a failsafe, there were dozens of sharp rocks at the bottom. One jump, and Estel would be free of him. There was no other way; the link couldn’t be undone.  
He trotted along at a good pace, considering he was on foot. He could have taken a horse to be there faster, but Legolas wanted to enjoy nature in this short time, the only time he had before he died. His emotions battered him from the inside out – fear, desperation, sadness, hopelessness, pain, and everything in between. Soon, it would all be over.   
Legolas saw the waterfall and carefully picked his way along some rocks. The sound of falling water was loud here and blocked out all other noises. Legolas lifted his foot, ready to take that final step.  
Pain suddenly swept through him, causing him to stagger. Legolas clutched his chest, falling to his knees as more emotions assaulted him. Terror, grief, agony, so much agony. He had thought he’d experienced the worst of it, but he was wrong. This… this was worse than anything Legolas had ever imagined.  
He couldn’t breathe. He stayed crouched down, trembling, praying for the pain to subside as it rampaged through his mind.   
A pair of arms wrapped around him, and Legolas found himself looking up into Estel’s face. One look at his friend explained everything. Legolas knew that this pain wasn’t his; it was Estel’s.  
Estel was speaking, but Legolas couldn’t hear him over the water. He instead listened for his friend’s thoughts.  
No, please, not again.  
I can’t live without him – I don’t want to.  
I love him too much to lose him.  
Please, Legolas, please, please, please, please…  
“Stop it, stop it!” Legolas clamped his hands over his ears, but that did nothing to keep out Estel’s anguished thoughts. The man was dragging him away from the edge, and Legolas was too bewildered with the barrage of Estel’s pain and fear to resist him.  
They got a good distance away from the waterfall before Estel finally stopped. He pulled Legolas into a bruisingly tight hug. He was shaking, and Legolas realized his friend was crying.  
“Please,” Estel whispered. “Please, Legolas, don’t. Don’t.”  
“I –” Legolas didn’t know what to say. He started rubbing Estel’s back, as the man did for him when he was upset. To his great surprise, Estel’s thoughts and emotions started to recede a bit, as though there was a wall between them. It was a relief, to be in his own mind again. Legolas’ feelings and thoughts started to make themselves known again, now that they were no longer being overwhelmed by Estel’s.  
“I – I had to, Estel.” Great, now he was crying too. Just what they needed. “It’s the only way to free you of the link.”  
“You stupid elf!” Estel shook him hard. “Look, just look!” The wall vanished, and Legolas found himself in Estel’s memory. He saw Mithrandir teaching his friend to create a wall in the link, and that it was this wall Estel had been using a moment ago.   
That wasn’t all he saw. He saw the anguish his friend had felt when he saw Legolas standing on the edge of the waterfall, and it took his breath away. Most of all, he saw the bright, shining love for him that nothing seemed to be able to tarnish.  
Legolas went limp in Estel’s arms, falling into him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “It’s all my fault. I’m a fool. I –”  
“Hush, silly elf.” Estel pressed a finger to his lips. “I love you, you understand? I will never stop loving you, or needing you, or wanting you.”  
“I – I’ll do better.” Legolas knew now that he had to. He couldn’t put Estel through this kind of pain ever again. The thought was unbearable.   
“You just have to let me help you. Please, promise me,” Estel begged, clutching tightly to Legolas’ tunic.  
“I promise,” Legolas murmured. “I promise, Estel.”  
The two of them somehow ended up on the ground, and it was impossible to tell whose tears were whose, or where one set of arms ended and the other began. They were both soaked from the spray of the waterfall, but neither paid that any mind.   
“How did you know?” Legolas asked eventually, once his tears had quieted somewhat. “You were asleep when I left.”  
“I could feel your turmoil. It woke me up.”  
He supposed that was for the best. “Come on, let’s get back to Imladris. You should get out of those wet clothes.”  
The two of them mounted up on the horse Estel had rode here, and hurried back. Legolas’ mind was spinning the whole way. He had to get better, and stay better, for Estel’s sake if nothing else. He’d eat, he’d stick to the routine, and he could never, ever fall into this dark place again.  
“No,” Estel murmured, listening to his thoughts. “Don’t put that much pressure on yourself. It’s unlikely that you’ll never go through another bad patch again. All I need is for you let me help you when it happens.”  
“It will not happen. I can see, now, how it hurts you, Estel. I won’t do it again.”  
Estel sighed, but didn’t argue further.   
They snuck back into Legolas’ rooms through the window, and both got changed into dry clothes. “Lunch time,” Legolas said, trying to keep his voice neutral. He had to eat. He was going to get better. He couldn’t fall again, not ever.  
“Legolas, stop thinking like that!”  
“You want me to get better, and so do I. I fail to see the flaw in my thoughts.”  
“If you hold yourself to such a rigid standard, something so unachievable, you’ll only set yourself up for failure.”  
Legolas shook his head stubbornly. He’d never failed at something he’d really set his mind to. “Let’s just get this meal over and done with.”  
Legolas ate, he wrote in his journal, he slept, he took his medication, he spoke to Estel, he went for his walks, he didn’t cut… he did everything that was expected of him. He would get better. He wouldn’t hurt Estel. He didn’t cry and managed to keep any pain pushed away. It was a relief, not to have to feel it anymore.  
Legolas managed to keep himself stable – for a week. That entire week, Estel was urging him not to hold himself to such a high standard. Legolas wasn’t allowing himself to get upset over anything. Even Estel had to admit that he was getting better – he was in Legolas’ head, after all, and could tell.  
But it turned out in the end that Estel was right. Legolas couldn’t sustain it. He was in constant fear of going through another bad period, something else that would hurt Estel.   
That week ended with him waking in the middle of the night, having one of the worst panic attacks he’d ever had. Legolas grabbed for Estel in the dark, unable to speak, but gasping frantically for air. The sensation of waking up feeling like he was suffocating wasn’t a pleasant one.  
“I am here, mellon nin.” Estel lit the candle and reached for the lavender oil. “Just breathe, breathe slowly.”  
He started sending calming thoughts to Legolas through their link, but Legolas was too far gone for it to make any difference. Within minutes, he’d hyperventilated himself into unconsciousness.  
When he woke, Estel was wrapped around him, humming softly. Legolas opened his eyes – and burst into tears. He cried desperately into Estel’s chest, wishing more than anything that he could be stronger. He couldn’t speak, but he used the mind link to send his thoughts to the man.  
I’m sorry, Estel. I’m so sorry.  
I knew you couldn’t keep going like that, mellon nin. What you need to realize is that you’re not going to hurt me again, not like the first time. I know how to control the link now, I’ve shown you that myself.  
I know… but I wanted to be stronger. I didn’t want to put any more burdens on you.  
You are never a burden.  
Legolas could feel the sincerity ringing through Estel’s mind, and it amazed him. He lay in his friend’s arms as Estel sent waves of love his way. It was like being engulfed in a warm, fuzzy cocoon. Legolas felt he could stay here forever, basking in Estel’s love.   
He found that his tears had stopped, and his heart was no longer racing in panic. What’s more, he felt no pain from Estel. The man truly had learned to limit the link when he needed to.   
Legolas found he needed to hear it again, and this time, he didn’t hesitate to ask. Promise me, Estel.  
I promise, I will never stop loving you.  
Estel’s thoughts and emotions were clear, far clearer than the prince’s. One thing, Legolas saw plainly, even through the mess of his own head.   
You mean it, he thought wonderingly. You’re not going to change your mind.  
I never will, gwador, I promise.  
Legolas believed him.


	17. Epilogue

Epilogue  
One year later  
Aragorn

“You’re cheating, Estel!”  
Just to the left, there’s a log that you can run over, much faster than going up and down the ravine.  
Aragorn acknowledged Legolas’ silent instruction. Will do. Anything else?  
Not for the moment.  
“Estel, stop it!” Elladan tried to shove him, but Aragorn danced out of the way. As they reached the ravine, Aragorn flew over the log, leaving Elladan to slog his way in and out of the crevice.   
Several minutes later, they finished – Aragorn leading the way by a few seconds. Elrohir and Legolas were waiting for them.  
Both twins folded their arms and scowled at Aragorn and Legolas. “You were cheating,” Elladan repeated.  
“We were not!” Legolas’ tone was indignant, but his eyes were sparkling.  
“Yes, you were,” Elrohir insisted. “Estel wasn’t supposed to have any idea of the layout of the race. We would have won otherwise!”  
“You two aren’t allowed to be on the same team in future,” Elladan muttered sourly.  
“You can’t prove we were doing anything,” Aragorn said, grinning at the infuriated expressions on his brothers’ faces.   
“You were!” Elladan was positively hopping in indignation. “I can tell when you’re talking to him through that link, you have this look on your face.”  
“I think you must be mistaken, mellon nin.” Legolas was doing a remarkably good job of keeping his face straight, though his voice was straining with the effort of remaining steady. “We were not doing any such thing.”  
Aragorn cracked first, bursting out laughing, and Legolas wasn’t far behind. Eventually, even the twins couldn’t maintain their wrath, and started chuckling too. Legolas flopped into Aragorn’s arms, resting on the man’s chest as he caught his breath.  
It had been almost a year since Legolas had finally believed him. Though he’d believed Aragorn’s assurances of love before, the prince had never truly thought that his friend wouldn’t change his mind. Ever since Aragorn had convinced Legolas that would never happen, the elf had been making steady progress.  
Neither of them deluded themselves into thinking that there would never be another bad patch, but Aragorn now knew that Legolas would allow himself to be helped when that happened. Not like he had a choice – Aragorn would be aware of his distress as it came.   
Mithrandir had told them that distance did nothing to the link, so even when they were in Greenwood and Imladris respectively, they could communicate and feel each other’s emotions like they were standing side by side.  
They were also working on a schedule with Thranduil. Elrond would not let the darkness creep into Legolas again from staying in Greenwood for too long. When he returned, the prince would be making set, regular trips to Imladris.   
Aragorn absently started untangling a couple of knots in Legolas’ hair. Beside them, Elladan was doing the same for Elrohir. Aragorn turned back to Legolas.  
I promise, I will never stop loving you. Though the prince hadn’t needed to hear the words in many months now, Aragorn had become accustomed to saying it, and he didn’t plan to fall out of that particular habit.  
Legolas turned brilliant blue eyes on him and gave him a dazzling smile. I know.


End file.
